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Friday, January 30, 2009

Princess Pics: Yeah, I'm Really THIS Fat!

I was on my way to Pilates today, wearing my Danskin bootcut pants instead of my capris or shorts due to changing weather (cold front moving in). I had one of my various formish-fitting Old Navy tops for working out: This one a purple racerback that's very comfy. I was used to wearing baggy stuff before I started Pilates. But they recommended form fitting clothing so they can see the muscle contractions, movements, etc. My hair was not so fresh (hadn't washed it in a week), so I clipped it high and back. I cheered myself up a bit by wearing my fave plum lipstick("Craving" by MAC).

Decided to take a pic.


I'm one of those people who SEES herself thinner in mirrors. It's freaky, but I do. My brain tries to ease the pain, I guess. As a result, I'm always shocked when I see pics on a camera phone or a snapshot and am unequivocably confronted with just how BIG BIG BIG I am.

So, I asked hubby, who was off today, to snap a pic of me with my fat arms uncovered and big belly pushing its unattractive roundness in a shameless display.

Yeah. It's hard to look at. I always get that little horrified spasm when I see my pics. You know, I need that shock. I need it to stay on top of REALITY and not the soft focus version my brain wants to see. Reality is that I'm a grossly large lady. Plus gros.

Okay, so, here's the pic, The Princess in her workout wear in the yard (and that's our poor battered gardenia bush behind me,the one that was sheared in half, then sheared again in hurricanes past):

And, angled to display that belly bulge even better:

I'm a roly poly gal, aren't I? And that's after six and a half months of working out hard. Try to imagine the even rolier and polier squishiness prior to Pilates. Yes, shudder at the image.

Anyway, here's some of my accountability. What a soon-to-be 49 year-old woman looks like when she lets herself go way up into the 270's (and even higher previously).

Lots of room for improvement.

And I think I'm in a hormonal surge time. I've been weepy, though not depressed. Things get to me, like sad news or a touching story--been bawling. Was exercising hard today, and I just started burbling in the middle of some leg lifts (with a band tied around my thighs to make it extra challenging). I just lost it. I kept lifting/kicking, funnily enough, concentrating on the core and keeping the ribs in and stomach contracted and upper ribs just so and so much weight on the arm, etc. And burbling. Tears hitting the mat. Trainer is a bit alarmed, and assures me I'm doing great, even better and stronger than a skinny gal half my age who worked out earlier. I say, "But I feel like I'm struggling so hard." She says, "Cause I'm pushing you, working you to your limits. I'm not letting you take breaks. You're supposed to find it really hard."

I kept going. I finished, but I felt a little silly for being a bawling baby. Then I came home and heard a touching story on the radio and started bawling again. Hubby hugs me and says, "Yeah, get it out. You're having one of those emotional days, huh?"

I'm fine. I'm chipper. But I guess getting my period after a five month absence is really making my tear ducts go into overdrive. :)

I have no idea what the point of all that was, except perhaps that working out hard as heck is good, even if you cry about it, and seeing tough-to-look-at pics is good, even if you want to cry about it, because we shouldn't lie to ourselves.




Linda said...

I know exactly what you mean about working out hard for months and the subtle differences in shape. You just keep doing it. NEVER GIVE UP! I like the top!

Jenni said...

I am the same way when looking in a mirror. I thought I was the only crazy one like that! Thanks for sharing.

moonduster said...

I'm the opposite. I see myself in mirrors and think I look so fat! In pictures, it's truly worse though. I understand that much!

I think you look good. Cute work-out top too!

Heather said...

I dont think you are gross at all! I know that we are always so hard on ourselves, and I know I have said that about myself so many times. but you really are not gross at all, you look strong and refreshed after a workout!

JC said...

I'm thinking you look really good. Beautiful hair, toned arms (pretty arms). Bust line great, bigger than tummy. Mine is smaller!!! It takes courage to post pictures of ourselves. We are always our worst critic.

I just posted new then & now pics. I may be smaller but I also look much older (saggy, baggy & wrinkly) Oh well it is what it is cause I'm not going back.

I'm proud of you for posting these pictures and for doing pilates. I don't think I could do it.

Katrina said...

I understand the need to keep ourselves focused on the prize, but you definitely are being too hard on yourself. I know I have the same problem, so this comment is as much for me as it is for you. No self hating and negative talk. Your body is an amazing and beautiful thing, even if you are not happy with it's shape. You can do pilates! That is some tough stuff! Your body is strong and it keeps getting stronger, and you are beautiful. Be nice to yourself! Um, and when I have my period I bawl uncontrollably too.

Scale Junkie said...

You think you're fat, I wish I was as fat as you...someone is always worse off than you. Take what you have and work with it, make the best of it. You are a GORGEOUS woman inside and out. We're back in this game, lets rock it!

Canadian woman hoping to inspire others said...

Well I know exactly what you are talking about when you say you seem to view yourself smaller than what you are. I remember before, I was the same way. I actually think it might be just ourselves when we are so used to how we look, we really dont know any different. I was overweight/obese for most of my life, and I remember looking at myself thinking..i dont look that bad..or even last september before starting the transformation I did, thinking, how I looked so great at the high school reunion I organized...but when looking back at the actual photo..i was like.."you've got to be kidding me"
I really believe that you need to take pics of yourself to really see things how they are. And accept them. Once you learn to accept...then you begin to change. I always told my bloggers, you have to stare it right in the face, and not ignore it. Face it, and defeat it head on. When I came out for the first time telling everyone around me I was 275lbs last November..thats when i began to change. For once in my life it was like a big weight lifted off of me, cause it was a secret i held for so long. Whenever the question about weight came up...I NEVER would reveal the numbers..always told everyone around me..doesnt matter...but the truth is, I was hiding it, couldnt face it myself,. Not even my husband knew and we were married for like 5 years!! You just get used to the number, and start thinking that yu were meant to be there...its too hard to lose weight..and it becomes the norm..but really..ITS NOT THE NORM. Everyone is beautiful no matter what size..but only you know if you are happy with how you are or not. It took me a while to realize I wasnt. it didnt just happen overnight.but when I did realize it..then it was full speed ahead for me, and no turning back!
Proud that you took these pics! And always remember..what you see today..or where you stand today..is NOT where you will be tommorow:) chin up..and let the real you come up to surface. One day at a time!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another blog and thought I would stop by and say hi! Your doing good and sound like your staying committed! Good Job!

The Better Idiot said...

In my defense, I did plan for something to eat - my lunch! But then the thought of what I had packed for lunch made me feel a little sick. I don't like nuts, and because I'm in phase 1 of SB there's not carbs or fruit, hence the no snacks. Mostly I can't keep them around (even when I can eat them) because if I do I can't stop thinking about them, and end up scoffing them when I'm not actually hungry.

Vanessa said...

Wow you are really hard on yourself. You remind me of me a bit in that sense - I am busy learning to give myself full credit for my establishments - no ifs and buts.
If you have more work to do - that should be in the next sentence. Think how far you have come since you started?!?! Don't you deserve a big pat on that back for that???
Keep at it - you are doing really well, and be kind to yourself - that goes a long way to.

RDslimdown said...

I think you look GREAT in those pictures. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I think you look great, too. Please don't think of yourself as gross, it'll just make you feel bad, and it's helpful to be on your own side.

Sara said...

Everyone feels so much better when we can lose weight. And it's going to happen for you. It's a struggle and motivation is such a key to stay on track and lose the weight. Thank you for sharing.

Lora said...

I am exactly the same way...always shocked when I see a picture that reveals the real me! For the record - You DON'T look gross (your words, not mine!)You are a beautiful woman and on your way to being where you want to be!

Blooming Orchid said...

Princess girl - you look GREAT! Keep up the great work. I love that purple workout top. Cute and my favorite color!

I have the same disease. I'm alway shocked at my appearance as well.

Lisa said...

OMG! I love that purple top!! And your boobs are so darn perky! Mine sag too low to wear something like that. You're very pretty and I hope you feel pretty too. Thanks for sharing these great pics!

Anonymous said...