Pondering a Derailment, Praying for Progress

I have not been on plan. I have no diet mojo. I have head mojo--as in "I know"--and I have desire mojo--as in "I want"--but the will is not cooperating. The will is rebellious. And I'm a spoiled brat.

I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.

So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.

I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.

This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."

But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.

It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!

Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.

I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.

I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.

I'm allowing it.

All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.

People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.

But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.

Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.

Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.

I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.

And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.

God help us all who travel on our various journeys.

Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.

Cause I'm not giving up...

The Princess Lives and is Back on the Weight Loss Wagon after a Side Trip to Valley Gorge

No, I was not abducted by aliens.

I just had a combination of busyness, blogging sloth, and Bad Princess Off Eating Plan syndrome.

Time flies. Even when aliens aren't involved.

So, a recap:

*Drifted off plan in the weekdays prior to Thanksgiving. (Hubby off work; We ate. Or rather, I took it as an excuse to overeat.)

*Ate like a piggy Thanksgiving, which was so good that it was hard to regret. Until I stepped on the scale the Friday after and it was 280.2. My lowest being the Saturday prior at 274.4. I did say the week went badly, yes?

*Didn't really put a brake on things the week AFTER Thanksgiving, so the scale started to scare me daily, without mercy.

*Had a cake orgy (cheesecake; chocolate layer cake) at my niece's birthday party on Sunday. On the plus side, got some exercise playing with the kids, which showed me how utterly dreadfully out of shape I am, cardiovascularly-speaking, cause I was soooooooo gaspy.

*Tried to rein self in without using the usual, tried-and-true tools (measuring, planning, journaling religiously, blogging, getting support, etc.) That didn't work so well.

*Got busier.

*Decided the sloth and gluttony was getting out of control when lackluster, undisciplined efforts yielded no results. So, began retracing steps to sanity over last two days.

*Am back on track as of yesterday.

Yesterday: I finally, FINALLY, sat down and began the Beck Diet Method. I did my first exercise: My Advantages Response Card. I have 41 advantages on there, and I had to make up THREE cards to fit them all. But, the exercise said to think of as many reasons as possible, and I did. If I think of more, I'll just add them.

Today: Day Two--I need to complete my Day One stuff (I fell asleep before I could) and place copies of my ARCs around the house and begin to get in the habit of reading them twice daily. I also will do the day two exercise of the therapy says I am to pick two reasonable diets.

I'll be posting regularly again (barring another whoopsie with BellSouth, which had our internet access down nearly the whole day Monday). I'm sure I'll have another post today, too. To catch up and to do my Tales from the Scales challenge weigh-in.

I want to thanks the lovely ladies who posted and prodded and checked up on me--you know who you are--for your encouragement. God bless you with many things for your kindness and concern, including with a major loss this week. :)

Smoochies from The Princess...