Tyranny of Skinny Ideal

I had a really "feel good" day yesterday, despite only sleeping 5 hours. (I only got five last night, too, cause I was up till 4 am doing some work.) I had energy like I hadn't had in a long while, and I felt...vivid! I decided my mood needed something vibrant, so I washed and straightened my hair into a glossy waterfall, painted my toenails an orange-red, and put on my summeriest lipstick--Manhunt, which looks orangey-red on me, though I already got my man--with some Lychee Luxe lipglass on top for extra shine. I felt glowy.

My Pilates teacher said she noticed I was walking differently, looked brighter, and seemed slimmer.

Heh.

So, on with the tortuous, but satisfying workout. During a point where my trainer was adjusting some springs on the Reformer, I looked over to the corner with the ladder barrel, where an impossibly slender and tall creature of blessed looks (must be another model, I swear) was leaning on the barrel, pushing disgustingly at the non-existent fat on her thighs. I kid you not. This gal only had the amount of fat humans need to live and no more. But her face in that mirror was disapproving.

What was she disgusted with?

You know how when you sit there is that downward pressure that makes your body spread a bit. It's normal. Has to happen. Gravity, weight, pressure--it's impossible not to have SOME thigh spread when you lean your weight back on your lower body, pressing against leather. Flesh gives.

Well, she judged herself so harshly for being human.

Mind you, she was a very pretty, very very thin, very tall human with legs a couple miles long. Most women would give a few toes and fingers and maybe an ear to have her figure.

She judged herself nonetheless.

How crazy is that?

I look in the mirror at the gym and feel horror, but I'm misshapen from an assortment of ills and bad habits. That gal was not. She should have been reveling in her near-perfection.

I think one day she'll be 68 and look at a photo of herself at this age (20's) and think, "Geesh. I was a hottie. I was SKINNY. Why the hell did I think something was wrong with me?"

I know I look at pics of myself in high school, when I felt so very ugly and chubby, and I think, "Um, not THAT bad. I wish I was that weight now."

I was 135 at my lowest, mostly around 139. Magazines told me I should be 120, 123 tops. I remember that number: 123. It was the Holy Grail back then for me in th 70's. I did yoga. I biked. I never got below 135. I hated, loathed, hated my body for it.

Unless I get some wasting disease or an eating disorder, I'll never be under 135. And now, I'll be happy to be under 200, and delirious to be under 175.

Perspective. Changes everything.

I'm trying to enjoy what I can do now, even if the mirror sometimes scares me. I woke up today and didn't toss on some baggy cotton tee. I treated myself with care. I put on a sexy black plunging v-neck tank top and decided to start being kinder to the me in the mirror, while I work harder at becoming healthier.

Cause, you know, I ain't getting yesterday back, or this last minute I spent typing here. Or my high school weight (realistically.)

And sometimes, when I was in the moment, I had such a warped attitude and judged myself harshly because some stupid ass magazines and charts said the right number was 123 or less. I berated myself. I was cruel to ME.

Internally, in my mind, in my spirit, I became my own enemy.

That fresh, slim, flexible, fit young woman at the studio was, for that moment, in that mirror, her enemy.

And it made me sad.

She's missing this moment, this moment when God blessed her with beauty and health and a body that fits the social ideal so perfectly. She is at a peak--and she's letting it get away in those moments of self-disgust and self-judging.

I'm too old (maybe a bit mature) to have felt spasms of envy (as I might have 10 years ago). A sense of regret at never having known what it felt like to be like THAT, yes, but nothing dark.

I felt mad, too, that we impose such harsh expectations on women. Damn.

So, I should treat this me that I am now with some mercy, cause when I'm 68, I might look back in a pic and think, "I wasn't as horrible as I thought," and I might wish to be this age again.

Sparkly Factoid: Slimming Scent

Among the men tested, neither odor 1 (citrus floral) nor odor 2 (sweet pea & lily of the valley) seemed to affect the perception of weight. However, odor 3 (floral and spice) significantly reduced the perception of the woman’s weight by an average of 4.1 pounds. More remarkably, those men who found the floral and spice odor to be pleasant perceived the woman to be a full 12 pounds less than her actual weight.

--from article "Special Odor Reduces Perceived Weight Up To 12 Pounds"

(hat tip to Scentsability blog)

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When Princesses Are Morbidly Obese... And Princes, too!

I, Princess Dieter, am morbidly obese. That means that I have a lot, lot, lot, LOT of weight to lose. The official definition for morbid obesity is as follows:

a BMI of 35 kg/m2 or greater with severe obesity-related co-morbidity or BMI of 40 kg/m2 or greater without co-morbidity [1]. Superobesity is defined as a body weight exceeding IBW by 225% or more, or a BMI of 50 kg/m2 or greater.

If that's gobbledygook to you, allow me to wave this magic wand I borrowed from the Slenderize Me Fairy--thinnityskinnityshoo!--and translate: If you're more than 100 pounds over your ideal weight or your body mass index is more than 40, you're morbidly obese. If your BMI is 50 or more, you're morbidly superobese. That's depression.

Princess Dieter has a BMI of 47. Morbidly obese. (I do not like the sound of that. Do you?)

Calculate your BMI by going HERE.

If you're curious about that Ideal Body Weight (IBW) thing, try THIS SITE. According to them, I am large-frame (ie, my fingers don't meet around the smallest part of my wrist, with a gap of about an inch). But I clicked both large and medium frame to see what values came up.

If Princess Dieter were medium frame (ie, my fingers barely meet around my wrist) : Ideal weight range is 142 - 156.2 lbs. (64.5 - 71 kg.).You are overweight by 132.8 lbs. (60 kg.).

If I am large frame (which is likely, I've never been remotely considered petite in structure--being wide-hipped and broad-shouldered and not-tiny in the feet, either, even when I was normal weight) : Ideal weight range is 152 - 167.2 lbs. (69.1 - 76 kg.).You are overweight by 121.8 lbs. (55 kg.).

Notice something about those numbers?

They're SANE!

They're not crazy, Hollywood, catwalk anorexic size 2 figures. The complete range (ie, taking the medium frame low and the large frame high) would be 142 to 167 pounds. That's not skinny by a long shot. And yet, 145 was a comfortable weight for me when I was in my late teens and early twenties. That is to say, I was active, flexible, and looked normal, though not slim. I was a size 12/13 back then, and while I wished I was one of the thin gals, that actually was a pretty good size for me in terms of activity and health.

Taking into account the large frame range, I'm aiming for 160. The upper end, sure, but still, that's a number I haven't seen on my scale since the mid-80's. It would be like turning the clock back about 20 years.

I can live with that? :)

So, my current weight? 289. A simple bit of arithmetic gives me the amount of weight I aim to lose: 289 - 160 = 129.

Ouch! I feel the pain. But then, so do my feet and knees and back and general self-esteem.

Did you figure out your ideal body weight? Did you calculate your BMI? Wanna share it here and put down your number, the amount you wish to lose?

The story begins...at 289 pounds and a 47 BMI on Tuesday, May 8, 2007.

When does your story begin and how long is that road in terms of pounds?

Come on. Give yourself a fairy tale name if you prefer anonymity, and join me. How about one of these:

Duchess Dieter
Marquesa Makeover
Contessa Calorie Counter
Lady Living Healthy
Dame Dieting
Princess Willpower
Countess Cooking Light
Princess Portion Control
Queen Low-Cal

If you're a gentleman, you can join in, too. Pick a name:

Prince Power Smoothie
Duke Dieter
Count Calorie Slasher
Marquess of Leansberry
Earl of Exercise
Sir Fresh Produce
King Calorie Killer


Make up your own monikers. Have fun. Start the journey off with a tiara or a crown or a satin sash--and a smile!

:::waving borrowed wand for a happy beginning to everyone:::