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Face the Truth Fridays: Met Goal, Still In DDDY Challenge and My Big Accountability Button

Pondering a Derailment, Praying for Progress

I have not been on plan. I have no diet mojo. I have head mojo--as in "I know"--and I have desire mojo--as in "I want"--but the will is not cooperating. The will is rebellious. And I'm a spoiled brat.

I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.

So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.

I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.

This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."

But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.

It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!

Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.

I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.

I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.

I'm allowing it.

All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.

People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.

But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.

Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.

Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.

I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.

And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.

God help us all who travel on our various journeys.

Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.

Cause I'm not giving up...

The Only You that YOU Can Control Is the You of Today--But That Could Save the You of Tomorrow...

Diana, the Scale Junkie, left a comment in a previous post where I mentioned how HARD HARD HARD it was to make the scale budge since I entered the perimenopausal stage:

I'm swimming in the premenopause pool and if I could go back and rip the fork from my 30something hand I would.

Oh, yeah. If only at 20-something and 30-something we could get a visit from out older selves and not only hear what we need to hear but SEE what we become.

The last time I was "normal weight"--ie, a weight inside that medical chart for my height, I was getting married. I would crawl on the floor to beg my younger self, that new bride, to be vigilant, disciplined, and know that health issues would derail her life at age 30, so do something NOW to keep the immune system and health as good as possible. And should it all go kaplooie anyhow, to not gain the 10 pounds a year as a stay-at-home chronic sickie, or I'd do more damage.

I'd crawl on my face to ger her/me to avoid the future of morbid obesity.

But we can only rip the fork out the hand of the self that is the exact age we are today. That's all we have.

And our next-decade-of-years self will thank us if we do it now. We can only change the future for HER, the me-yet to-be, the you-yet-to-be. The me that was, well, she went along obliviously and, here I am. Stuck with her lousy choices.

Here WE are.

If you are still a woman well before "the change," CHANGE NOW. Learn by my mistake, Diana's mistake, the mistake of every woman who only tries her hardest to change when she's facing the big 40 or big 50 or big 60.

Do it while your body is at its peak. Learn new habits of healthy eating and movement when your metabolism is revving along. If you're 20 and obese, do it now. Look at older obese women and BE VERY AFRAID. Do it noww, while you have healthy joints and can exercise harder and longer. Do it while your hormones are on your side. Do it now that so many books and blogs offer wisdom and help. Don't spend the money on frivolous things like cute clothes or shoes or a beach vacation, that will not change your health: pay for that gym membership, that training, that nutritionist.

Do it when you have all those years stretching before you...full of potential for vitality.

It only gets harder. It only gets worse if you wait. Your joints start to wear, and exercise becomes tricky. Habits become ingrained even deeper the longer you have them--lose the overeating, non-exercising habits NOW.

You don't wanna be in our shoes--middle-aged and struggling.

Can't fight the past. Can't bring back our youth.

Can only change the now and hope that makes for a better future.

A healthy week of future-creation to us all!
~~

Nosce Te Ipsum, Gnothi Seauton, Know Thyself: Do Dietitians Help?

Teale had a post venting her frustration with a medical system that seems to ignore the needs of the obese (and brother, do I know it). It's like you don't count until an acute or chronic illness (that may very well be caused by the obesity) crops up. Prevention doesn't cut it for many.

(Not my HMO that I used to have. They were big on prevention, and I liked them, but hubby changed jobs and we don't have them anymore. They offered discounts for WW meetings and refunds if goal weight was reached, and they paid for dietitian visits.)

However, I gotta be as honest here as I was with Teale: It may not help anywhere near as much as we may dream/hope/wish/want/need.

In 1989, I had my first experience with a registered dietitian in private counseling practice. A very nice lady in the southern part of Miami-Dade county.That was back when very high carb, very low fat was the craze. I was put on one of those plans. She was surprised at how adept I was at guessing calories (she quizzed me on various foods and I knew them all dead on.) My problem wasn't knowing nutrition (I had taken a college course on it and other medical sciences, and I'd been reading diet books since I turned chubbo as a kid). My problem was ACTION, was DISCIPLINE, was APPETITE vs HUNGER, was EMOTIONAL, was STRESS. I also was on a lot of medications, and some of them made me hungry. Steroids.

Those issues still exist, plus I have age and a dead thyroid to throw in there.

I lost 29 pounds with that eating plan taped to my fridge.

I regained them all when my health collapsed and I had to quit working (immune issues). I then gained roughly 10-15 pounds per year for the next decades, losing occasionally on WW or with another dietitian, gaining all plus back.

My second dietitian came after my immune slapdown began to be controlled somewhat and I was functional again. Late nineties. She had/has a thriving practice in an affluent area of NE Miami-Dade country. I lost about 11 pounds. Regained that plus.

My third dietitian was a nice Hispanic gal in a not-at-all affluent area of North Miami. I went to her cause my blood sugar was rising and I was clearly heading into diabetes. I lost 8 pounds. Not much. But she told me about some supplements that helped with my cholesterol (I can't take statins due to reactions to it.)

I regained those, too.

On my own, I've lost 25, I've managed to not regain completely (my usual pattern). I do believe this blog is helping, but it's a daily struggle. Some days, I just wanna have surgery and be done with it--though I know that's a simplistic view. Surgery can be a great tool, but it's still an adjustment and a lot of work for people. Look at the celebrities who regain a lot of weight after gastric bypass, or the folks with lap-bands who still have to focus on healthy eating and exercise. One way or another, you still have to change.

This blog is my journal for change. And I thank you all who give me support.

Back to the subject: Dietitians give food and nutritional advice. Most of us who have been overweight a LONG time and have brain cells that are active are pretty well-educated about food. We know the different diets (low-fat, low-carb, vegan, ovo-lacto vegetarian, low-fiber, high-fiber, no gluten, combination, "clean eating") and we may well have tried some to all of them. Some of us read diet news religiously online or in magazines and journals. We keep searching for that key to unlock us.

We need to know what we lack so we know what we need and know what we don't.

I don't usually need information on food or an eating plan. I can get that online or in magazines or in books. As I peruse dieting blogs, I see some folks who need some good basic nutritional catching-up and others who are very savvy and learning FAST.

We who know our nutrition don't really need a dietitian, I believe.

Dietitians mostly examine and talk about how we eat, what we eat, when we eat, and what our medical issues need for us to eat and not eat or how often we need to eat. What supplements may help with this or that. How to cook, what oils are best, what snacks are good. A dietitian serves a purpose, and as long as you know what it is, you won't be let down if nothing radical happens, weight-wise.

Dietitians don't solve emotional eating problems. They don't solve self-esteem issues. They don't fix your wounded heart. They don't address your sin issues (ie, hedonism, selfishness, gluttony, sloth). They can't be there when the urge to binge hits. They can only help you within their area of expertise--what is good to eat for what condition you have or to optimize satiation or fat loss or steady blood glucose levels.

If you have a new medical condition and want expert advice on the foods best for that or the eating plan that may ameliorate it, that's fine.

But usually, what we need a dietitian can't give.

We need coaching. We need to keep up our motivation, our eyes on the goal. We need strategies and tools and insight that dietitians (in my experience) can't really give. We need someone to instill that sense of "I can." We need exhortation. We need strength.

We need a cheerleader/motivator/coach/miracle-worker. :)

Actually, we may need a therapist or counselor.

Or we may need a rabbi or pastor or priest.

Or we may need a very good, very firm diet buddy.

Or we may need a group hug.

I don't know what you need, but I do know that a dietitian can help me (and has helped me) tweak an eating plan, but they can't get me to stick to it. They can't help me to avoid a binge. They can't maintain my motivation, day in and day out.

I have to find something else to help me do that, and a lot of it I have to find INSIDE.

Ultimately, I have to figure out how to become my own dietitian, coach, trainer, motivator, cheerleader, minister. Not in a crazy, isolationist, uber-self-sufficient way. In a sane, strong sufficient way.

Still, it's good to have all those outside support persons while we find our inside support team. The team of "me".

Insurance can help me with a dietitian, a bariatric surgeon, a psychologist, an endocrinologist, with medication, with lab work.

It can't come and stock my fridge. It can't make me cook. It can't stop me from putting that chocolate cupcake in my mouth. It can't stop me from ordering a big old pizza. It can't stop me from hating myself some days. It can't help me feel worthless some days.

It can't help me figure me out in my deepest place.

This blog is part of me figuring me out, but most of the work happens over HERE, where the internet can't reach. The Delphic aphorisms: "Know thyself" and "Nothing in excess" are still so relevant, and especially for fatfighters.

Gnothi seauton. Nosce Te Ipsum. Know thyself.

Nothing in excess, except, I'd say, faith and hope and love.

How are you doing figuring out YOURSELF today?

BTW, if you have had a great or terrible experience with a dietitian, diet counselor etc, do let me know or gimme a link in a comment. I wanna read about it.

And I love the idea of Lyn's to get a ring that reminds us of our need and goals. I had almost purchased some artwork with "believe" and "faith." But a ring is portable. Love it.



Begin to learn about food:



Be your own therapist/coach:


Don't just say or think--but DO:



Get spiritual help:



Self-control, that fruit of the Spirit:

Alive Again--More than a Metaphor

To all celebrating the victory of the Lord Christ over death: Happy Resurrection Day!

I was going to wait to post tomorrow, but I'm feeling much better--finally--today, and as this is the day of joy and new life, it's fitting.

Having been sick for three weeks has derailed me,making a mockery of the "Easter Challenge" during which I did NOT challenge myself. It's time to start fresh and renew what has been ailing.

I stepped on the scale and it was 273. A gain of 4+ over my lowest weigh-in. So, definitely, I need to rise up and move on and get with it. I failed. All is forgiven: Move on.

There is no giving up. You and I succeed or you and I, eventually die, and die as non-losers. And I believe that would be very sad indeed.

There is no pity party here. Just a deep sadness that I got off track, a frustration at my body, and a self-reproach at my lack of self-control. Even sick, I should have made better choices.

Let's bury our self-destructive ways. Let's rise up with fresh resolve.

I've spent most of my life over-indulging. That doesn't give life. It robs life from me.

Scripture talks about dying to sin, and a resurrection into new life. Of walking in the Spirit, and not fulfilling the lusts of the flesh.

Overeating is a complex thing--some of us have physiologies that will not let us be easily satisfied, we have medical issues, we have longstanding bad habits when it comes to food--but for the person of faith, there is always the other component: the spiritual. Gluttony is sin. Overeating is wrong. Not just because it damages the body, but because it shows that something governs us other than the Spirit, something controls us other than our rational and godly will. Desire controls us. Pleasure controls us. Temptations control us.

This is, I believe, why it is so difficult to get to a healthy weight when one has become very overweight. We have developed a pattern of giving in to desires, to satifying "the flesh," and that's always hard to break--be it via sex, overspending, anger, gossip, vanity, complaining, worrying, sloth, etc.

Today's holiday reminds me that at the root of anything that harms us is, generally, sin. And it has to be dealt with, especially if we call ourselves people of faith. As a Christian, I don't get an out. Our traditions have always condemned overindulgence in food ( just go study the practices of some saints and Church mothers and fathers when it came to what they ingested.)

God gave us a beautiful planet full of amazing things to nourish us. But we abuse it. We abuse it when we eat foods that are not good foods as our "usual" staples. Cookies and cakes and candies are supposed to be treats--occasional, rarer than wholesome fare. We abuse the gift of good food when we eat so much of any of it (or all of it) that we distort our bodies from their sound functions. I have mobility issues because I am so heavy. I've distorted myself so that I can't function properly.

Granted, at the other end of the spectrum is the denier of nourishment or the person caught up in vanity, the excess self-absorption of size and appearnace, that causes people to obsess about food for another reason--to be sexually desirable and beautiful. It's a gift to be lovely. It's wonderful to be attractive for, especially, the person who is our lifemate. But spending inordinate time on beauty and fitness regimens for the purpose of looking "hot" is vanity, just as stuffing ourselves with food to make ourselves feel good is gluttony and displaced affection.

The New Testament, in the epistle to the Galatians, says this:

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

Obsession with eating is a yoke. Obesity is a form of enslavement. We know that, dont' we? It's so hard and it comes with a terrible price. We are not truly ourselves, because we aren't free to go and do as much as we'd wish. Our liberty is curtailed. We are not our masters, some days, most days, but rather food is.

For the believer, the remedy is supposed to be this:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

Why? Because the Spririt is power; because in the list of the "fruit of the Spirit" is...self-control. (see Gal 5:22)

A person doesn't get to 300 lbs (as I did) without a serious lack of self-control, no matter what other factors (medical, psychological, familial, cultural) come into play.

I want self-control. I want it bad. But do I want it enough to get past all the obstacles? Wouldn't it just be simpler to get the mechanical-surgical fix? (And, hey, I don't diss that. It's tempting to me, and it is a legitimate resource. But it still leaves me with a spiritual problem unresolved.)

I'm examining myself today--and have been all this weekend--because I've focused on groceries and food lists and weights and measures, but I've seriously neglected what, to me as a person of faith, is the most-pressing component, the spiritual aspect of overeating and of dieting and of health.

So, what I pray for and wish for all of us today, those who believe like I do and those who don't, is new life--inside and out. Renewal. So that we can live more abundantly.

And may next year's holiday see us better in body, mind, and spirit. Happier and healthier. Set free of gluttony. Healed of diseases. Restored in all ways. Out of the tomb of obesity and amazingly full of life!

Onward and DOWNWARD!

SLAYING DRAGONS: What Are Your Weight Loss Obstacles?

All good fairy tales have villains and obstacles to overcome.

Every weight loss journey is a quest for something related to that loss--for health, for a smaller dress size, for acceptance, for a more vibrant life with fewer limitations. And every dieter will run into trouble (goblins, ogres, etc). And you and I will have dragons of all shapes and sizes to battle.

It's good to know what you need to work through, over, or around--or just swing hard and decapitate--when you start a new eating plan/healthful lifestyle. We all have histories, issues, physiological quirks, and maybe many of us have medical conditions.

Y'all already know I have Metabolic Syndrome (formerly Syndrome X). But this seems to be more a result--of excess weight and sedentary living and even bad food choices--rather than a cause of obesity. (Although, I'm sure they'll be looking closer at it, scientifically.)

I also have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. My thyroid is basically destroyed by autoimmune processes in my body. It's a shrivelled bit of scar tissue. I have to medicate daily and get checked every few months for tweaks to the Rx. When I was diagnosed ten years ago, I was at a super low point: sleeping 20 hours a day, could barely move, felt tired all the time, was cold all the time, had hair falling out, had dry-straw hair (well, dryer than usual), and dry skin. My face was a puffy, immobile mask.

Interesting that I had to get THAT sick for my doc to notice. I think because fat women have the stereotype of the "it's my glands" complaint, I made sure never to even go near that excuse. And, hey, I actually did have a problem that went ignored for years. (If you have the above symptoms and haven't had your thyroid levels checked, please demand it.)

It took another year and a switch of endocrinologists to get me to a point where I could function, but I've never been normal. I'll still have tired bouts. I still have hair loss cycles. (And no, I have never, ever, ever been on a VLCD. I have a hard time sticking to 1800-2000 calories, much less going down below 1200. So, I didn't wreck my thyroid on starvation dieting.)

I also have a ton of allergies and very, very bad asthma (that I had since a baby and even when I was a skinny girl, so, no, it's not fat-related. It's familial. Autoimmune disease runs in my family, and asthma/allergies, too.)

So, yes. I am working with a few handicaps in the metabolic game and that means weight loss is harder for me. But it's not impossible. It just means I have to plan and strategize and study and learn and come up with solutions...and persist. (See that post below on passion and persistence and imagination.)And I have to find the best weapons for the quest.

Once we get morbidly obese, there's a big, fat dragon in the way. You can't ignore it.

We really do wreck our system. It's never going to be fully normal, I think. We've got the fat cells there, and they don't die or leave town (sans the very nasty procedure called liposuction). We have our endocrinological mess to deal with. Our appetite control system is out of whack. So much within us is fighting hard against cutting down calories and losing fat. We will be hungry. We will have to learn to maximize calories and minimize stress. We will have to plan meals. We will have to measure and learn what normal portions are. We will have to choose BETTER foods than we chose in the past.

We must change INSIDE, not just outside.

But we aren't doomed to failure. We may be doomed to constant battle. We may never see easy victory. But we aren't without weapons.

Weapons abound.

But the very first obstacle to overcome--that first dragon to slay-- is inertia. The second is pessimism.

The first obstacle is what keeps you and me stuck in our rut, stuck in our bad habits, doing the same thing. It's what keeps us from change. The second is what keeps you from succeeding at change. Neither is easy to overcome.

So, get that sword ready. Touch it. Pick it up...

Kill inertia: Do one thing that's different--and helpful for weight loss--today. Change your routine just a bit in a direction that moves your health forward. Skip the processed, boxed, perservatives-riddled, low-cal cookie and have... a plum or some cherries or an apple. That begins to get you out of the inertia. Make ONE change toward weight loss RIGHT NOW, TODAY. Go on.

Then make another change tomorrow.

Kill pessimism: As stupid as it may sound, speak affirmations into your day. Or pray them Or sing them. But do something that fills your mind with positive messages that say, yes, you can make changes for your health. Yes, you can eat less junk. Yes, you can eat fewer calories. Yes, you can learn to enjoy wholesome foods: fresh produce, fat-free or low-fat dairy, broth-based soups instead of fatty cream-based woups, less salt, more herbs, water or vegetable juices instead of soda, whole grains instead of denatured grains, and lean proteins from healthy sources (ie, no hormones, no antibiotic-fed critters). Yes, you can change your meal habits so you eat in a way that keeps hunger at bay. Yes, you can take a walk. Yes, you can take off weight and get to a better place. It's not impossible. Others have done it. You can. I can. Turn off the "I've always gained it back" talk. Turn off the "I can't stop overeating" talk.

Self-talk does affect you. Make it self-talk that helps you succeed, not fail.

Obstacles include impatience, fear, emotional challenges, depression (I suffer from this one, and yes, it really does suck), unsupportive partners and/or friends and family, financial issues, dislike of healthful foods, dislike of exercise (I'm with ya!), dependence on pleasure from certain foods, physical disabilities, lack of self-esteem, abusive situations, etc.

We all have them. List yours. Then, begin to find ways to overcome each and every one.

So, what are your obstacles? Are you trying to figure out how to overcome what stands in your way? Do you have a tip for others on how you overcame one of your particular, specific obstacles to weight loss and health?

Tell us. Give us a link to a blog entry where you discuss this. We all want to be slimmer princesses who didn't wait for someone else to slay the dragons.


~

Edited to Add: Weird. I found this post online...in GERMAN. Heh.