Still Not There, Not With Breathing, Not With Eating...but improving

Yes, there's progress. :)

Here's how Friday went--and I know it's still technically Friday, but I conked out at 6pm and slept until 10:15 pm. Not sure if I'll go back to bed or stay up. We'll see. (Yes, I need to normalize my sleep schedule. Being sick throws me a serious curve ball in that department. So, yes, Friday:

BREATHING: I had moments when I actually breathed without thinking. A good sign. I still have inflammation and still had my breathing "conscious" through the day--asthmatics know what I mean, that you have to think and focus and make effort, that I avoid triggers as much as possible, that it's not "automatic" to get air in and out. BUT...those moments when it got better and I didn't think about it means I may be well over the hump.

EATING: I had some of Heidi's Cottage Classics Grainy Day Pancake Mix handy,and it was the first time I was up early enough to make breakfast for hubby, so I made some and had two with sugar free syrup by Smuckers and half a cup of apple juice. Not so great, but I had no fruit to have for breakfast. I also had a handful of soy and wasabi almonds (I'm addicted to these. The salt is bad for me, but dang if they don't taste amazing.)

I still didn't feel up to driving and shopping and risking exposure to something that will send me straight to the ER, so I ordered stuff from the one "healthful" restaurant in my area that delivers. I had some good stuff and some not so good: 5 falafels, about 1/4 cup hummus with olive oil, brown rice with chick peas/chopped tomatoes/peppers/cucumbers/avocado, two pieces of grilled tofu, green vegetable juice smoothie, a fruit blend smoothie.

I have leftovers of the rice/salad/tofu for another meal and some fresh carrot juice, too.

I went over my calories for sure. So, I'm not there. But it wasn't a Whopper or Pizza or cake or some of the other icky stuff I'd been indulging in during some heedless, mindless, comfort-and-holiday-eating. I got fruits and veggies and legumes and fiber.

The goals for Saturday:
~Get those healthful groceries, including a ton of produce.
~Begin journaling what I eat and keeping calories to 1900 max (38 points). Same target for all week. Use my nifty new Levenger's Circa Fitness Journal to keep track of intake (and exercise). The journal was a present I gave myself for Christmas. :)
~Try to get some movement in, as far as breathing allows. I hope I improve so I can do Pilates Monday.
~Start reading and applying The Complete Beck Diet for Life: The Five-Stage Program for Permanent Weight Loss

Since it's a new year, I scheduled a GYN appt (hate hate hate hate those) and will schedule my mammo. I see my PCP on Thursday (will run out of one of my meds Wed, new insurance info to give her, need a ton of prescriptions for my asthma/allergy/thyroid/BP).

Something's Gotta Give--and It'll be Us Giving it Up

It was great to have Lyn back from vacation, posting with her usual gusto and insight. Her post yesterday is worth reading for a solid reality check that many of us need.

For those of us dealing with a lot of excess weight, something's gotta give if we're gonna lose it and keep it off. And it's us. We gotta give: Give up. Give up things that are delicious, delightful, mouth-watering, full of nostalgia. Give up immediate comfort, self-indulgence, instant happiness, and ease.

I don't believe a once-obese, especially a once-morbidly-obese person ever gets cut slack again in the diet game. If the weight is to come off and stay off, we will suffer. Period. End of story.

As Lyn says in her post, we've already had the cookies and pizzas and other indulgences. Too many. It shows in our bodies. We need to stop whining that we can't have them anymore in the quantities and frequency we wish.

We'll have to accept the fact that we just can't have our cake and eat it, at least, not very often at all. Maybe special occasions only. And when we do have it, we have to accept it will be a small, controllable serving, or we will flow back into a binge cycle.

At least, after a year plus of reading fatfighting blogs (and writing one), I've seen this in myself and many others (though not ALL). Slip-ups weaken resolve and strengthen the power of food over us. Give in and it's like starting from zero.

Sucks.

But something's gotta give.

We have to accept that lying around watching tv or reading engrossing novels all weekend is not gonna cut it. We have to move and move a lot, or we might lose weight, but odds are it'll come back, or if it' doesn't come back, we'll have lousy body tone and a lot of hanging flesh that isn't getting filled out a bit with muscle.

The days of sweet dessert wine and chocolate roses are pretty much over--if we mean it.

Sucks a dozen eggs.

But something's gotta give...

I'm still striving to get into the "I mean it" groove. Lots of days, I simply indulge in that extra helping of X or Y, or have more than one low-calorie sweet treat, or just order that pizza.

That's why I'm not making much progress. Some, but very slowly and quite bumpily. I don't really MEAN it yet. mean it the way I meant it when I said, "I do" to my beloved. Mean it for a lifetime and intensely and madly and irrevocably.

I partially mean it. Like a burning infatuation of mind and body that lacks the solid roots of commmitted love in the spirit and soul. It doesn't persist day in and day out, and it doesn't stand in the face of the greatest temptations.

And as we all know, when it comes to weight loss and health--and relationships of the heart--partially meaning doesn't cut it.

To succeed for a lifetime at weight loss, we have to marry the commitment the way one used to marry in the Church: dynamically, fervently, self-sacrificingly, consciously, indissolubly...and willing to put up with hardship and transient (or permanent) miseries for greater pay-off in the long-run. :)

I hear a particular term a lot--and use it, too--MODERATION.

Moderation is just another, pleasanter way of saying this: sacrifice; self-control.

Moderation is another way of saying this: I can't have that second cookie, and I can only have half of that restaurant square of lasagna

Moderation is another way of saying: Gee, I'd love to have a whole bowlful of pasta, but I can only have one and a half cups with a restrained sprinkling (not a half cup) of cheese. And forget the tiramisu, except for one lingering bite.

Moderation is another way of saying this: I have to do things in a different manner from how I've been doing it.

Moderation is another way of saying this: I have to change. I have to give up the whole of my desire and satisfy only part of my craving.

I don't believe in extremism. I think VLCDs are harmful to the metabolism--and to the psyche in some cases. It can lead to eating disorders. It can lead to thryoid issues. It can lead to binging.

I also think that the sort of free-for-all eating that has put us in the 50 to 100 to 200 to 300 excess pounds category is harmful. To the heart and pancreas. To the joints. To the psyche. To one's career. To one's love life. (I don't know about y'all, but I have known heavy women who "settle" for creeps because they fear that no one will love a Fat Gal. Or a woman who'll put up with emotional and physical abuse because she thinks if she doesn't put up with it, no one else will want her as a Fat Gal.)

I hate the fact that I can't just eat what I want, then lay around reading history and art books, studying theology texts, enjoying fantasy novels, and watching movies, and yet get fit in that manner.

What I have been doing for years doesn't work: ie, eating what I want and being a couch potato. Letting illness control me.

What many of you have been doing for years, maybe decades, hasn't worked. Giving in to Krispy Kreme donuts or Grand Slam breakfasts or Pizza Hut specials or the Colonel's fried offerings...doesn't help.

Reality Check: To win at losing, we can't and won't be perfect--yes, perfection IS a myth, not just because we won't be perfect, but because we don't NEED to be perfect, we just need to be pretty darn good.

We do need to accept deprivation of some things, ongoing deprivation of our triggers and things that we may be used to eating regularly. On the other hand, we need to get used to an abundance of other foods (notably vegetables, fresh fruit, lean protein, and water).

We have to learn how to order things in restaurants that might be our fifth or tenth choices, rather than our first or second. We have to accept that our PMS is screaming at us to eat those chips and chew that Milky Way, but we have to scream back: "It's not an option. How about a bite of sugar-free dark chocolate and an apple?"

There's a diet memoir where the writer admits that what clicked in her brain and allowed her to become a slender, fit woman was the phrase: "It's not an option." When she wanted NOT to exercise: "It's not an option." When she wanted junk food: "It's not an option."

Self-deprivation always sucks. It hurts. It makes us cranky. But one way or another, you and I will have to alter habits for a lifetime. A WHOLE LIFETIME.

Or it's curtains. The fat will stay. We'll never reach our goal. We'll regret it.

If you and I don't get a reality check, and hold up that mirror to reality daily, you and I can have gastric bypass and still regain. (See Carnie Wilson. see Randy Jackson.)

If you and I don't accept that we will have to give up to get, we can join Jenny Craig, we can join Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem, we can get a chef like Oprah--and it won't mean anything. We'll be part of the 98% gaining it all back...plus more.

Dieting isn't for wimps. Lifestyle change isn't for weaklings.

Looking at stark truths is not for wussies.

We have to let go of our past and of our devastating food habits and couch potato ways.

I hate it. I need it. I hate it. I want it. I hate it.

I have to face it.

Something's gotta give, and it's any expectation of this being doable without the utmost effort and sacrifice.

Are we up to it?

Do the reality check today.

Are you willing to give up all those fave junk items for 355 days of the year? (Lyn suggests a few special days in the year to indulge, but no more.)

Scary, ain't it?

I think so.

Reality bites.

The First Step To Stop Overeating --and Four More

Oh, Lawdy! The Overeating Ogre has come by this week after being gone for a while, drat him. He was by for dinner on Thursday (when I had four slices of whole wheat pizza and a big bowl of white bean soup and just about exploded) and Friday lunch (I had TWO entrees from Boston Market, TWO, with four sides, FOUR, and a chocolate cupcake and chocolate almonds). It was bad. It was like a PMS flash fire (only without the PMS, at least, I don't think so.)

But I banished the nasty creature last night and got back to normal. I walked. I did some at-home Pilates leg lifts. I did breathing to calm myself. I feel like I've slid back into Healthy Mindset today after the lunacy of the last two days.

Two bad days. Two bad meals, very bad.

All is forgiven. I'm moving on.

Fortunately for my spirits, I tried on a dress and two tops in my size today and both were HUGE on me. Hubby mentions my waist is nipping in. My butt is rounder (and according to hubby, firmer). Most startling, my abdominal pannus is smaller and a bit HIGHER. This is what makes me happiest of all. I hate that thing hanging there like a laundry bag. It's lifting, looking less bulky.

Two of my neighbors have commented on my "slimmer" physique as I've been out walking in the early evenings this week.

My bra band is looser. :)

I guess my clothing size has changed. :) I'm losing some fat, I know, and gaining muscle, so the scale is the same after a blip up the day after the pizza insanity.

So, instead of getting all happy and calm from this progress due to the Pilates--thank you, Liza--I binge. What up with that?

I notice other fatfighting bloggers and commenters on those blogs are struggling, and struggling a lot. We're having a binge epidemic.

Let's stop it. Now. Okay? No weekend excuses. No "it's Saturday, I need a treat" mantras. It ends now.

For you. For me. Let's get through this bad time and move forward.

I decided to look for something useful to share, something with tips and strategies and a bit of "workbook" exercises.

I found this one at About.com-- FIVE STEPS TO AVOID OVEREATING

I'll let you read it and do the work--Do it! Don't just read it! Do the work!--and I chose it because the first step is so crucial for those of us with chronic, emotional binge-eating:

Step A. Wake Up!

People who use food to feel better often report overeating when they are in a time-out or food trance. This trance provides an escape from inner criticism, difficult emotions, or stressful life situations. The first step is to find some way to wake up from the trance. No matter how intense your food craving, or how much you have already eaten, you have to snap back to reality before anything else can happen. There is no one proven guaranteed way to bring your self back to conscious awareness. You will have to experiment with several different ways to grab your own attention. Below are some suggestions that may work to bring you back into the here and now:

• Walk to the nearest mirror, look yourself deep in the eyes, and say hello to yourself.

• Talk aloud to yourself. Call yourself by name and say, "wake up."

• Shake your head to clear out the cobwebs.

• Take a deep breathe and say to yourself, "I am okay now. I am fine now. I am in control now."

• Plant visual cues in your kitchen. For example, place a special blooming potted plant on your kitchen table. Looking at it might remind you of your potential to bloom and prosper.

• Tape your baby picture on your refrigerator. Look at how pure and happy you are. Decide that you want to feel happy and eating is not the way to get there.

List a few methods you can think of to bring yourself back to living in the present moment:

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

Those are actually some very simple things to stop the binge-trance. It's not easy to get a clear head, but it's necessary. Copy and paste that step, print it out with the lines for you to write in. Do it! Come on!

Let's all try it, those of us having a hard week. Okay?

One of the methods I've thought of is doing a tape-recording or videotape of myself talkig to myself. I need to find a recorder somwhere (I know I have one) and tape myself doing the encouraging talk and the decisive talk and the hopeful, believing talk. I need to keep the recorder and tape handy--in the kitchen (where the table is) or living room, the only two rooms in the house where I eat.

Instead of a baby picture, I think I prefer a picture of myself in my early 20's, when I was a normal weight and very happy (cause I'd met my soulmate--hubby)and wore camis and shorts all the time cause my legs/thighs/belly/upper arms weren't huge.

Let me know if this strategy (and the others in the article) helped you get through to Monday (and beyond.)

Here's to a healthy weekend and a lighter weigh-in next week. If you want more, check out the eHow article on avoiding overeating. Drink water, focus on lots of fiber, slow down at meal times, etc. You've heard this before. So have I. Let's DO IT today adn tomorrow. It's a weekend of change, right?

Yes! We can!

Onward and Downward!

More articles:

Strategies to Avoid Overeating from Nutrition & Fitness Advisors--also focuses on awareness, keeping blood sugar steady, not starving, and finding what works for you.

Canadian Living's 8 Tips to Avoid Overeating

Escaping the Overeating Rut with a chart to help you become aware of your pattern/rut.

Still Fighting Dragons, Goblins, & Ogres

I edited the September Challenge post below to reflect Sunday.

Sunday was going well...most of the day, that is. I was eating really good stuff. No junk. Then, I missed my protein mix (between meals) and I went 6 hours without eating, and the hunger came hard.

Historical Note: Evenings have always been tough. Night binges have been numerous.

I spent 45 minutes of that 6 hour delay yesterday pondering what to eat to use my remaining 8 WW Points. I had planned to eat a light supper, because I wanted to be in bed by 10pm. But the hunger was bad, so I went through all the things I had in the house that I could have that would fill me up. Finally, I narrowed it down to oatmeal with berries or chili. The chili had 20 grams of fiber. The fiber about a fifth of that. So, I went with the Healthy Valley chili. Whole can, four points. I decided I'd add low-fat cheese to make it more proteiny (plus I hadn't had my calcium that day.) I added salsa for a flavor punch. I drank a diet orange soda I'd had sitting in the fridge for more than two months, cause I didn't want to use up points on a beverage. And water, natch.

Well, I waited after eating, but the raging was still there. (What is up with my appetite? I go six hours without eating and it goes insane. Geesh.)

So, having had little calcium that day, I figured if I was gonna bust my points, I'd do it with low-fat vanilla organic yogurt and get my live cultures and calcium.

That didn't do it. So, I went for fruit. Two points worth of cherries and grapes.

That didn't do it. So, I went for protein this time and had a low-carb, EAS protein bar.

All told, I went roughly 8 points over my limit.

Interestingly, I still ate about 25-35 points less than I used to on normal eat-it-up days when I didn't write it down or think about my choices. I didn't eat junk. I didn't eat high-salt. I didn't eat Taco Bell or pizza. I didn't order Chinese Take-out. I had low-fat, high-fiber, protein and calcium.

So, while I'm disappointed in my overall performance for the weekened (ie Friday through Sunday), I see that I still haven't controlled my schedule to quell the beast. My dragon appetite just cannot go 5 and 6 hours unfed. I can't miss meals. When I do that, bad things happen.

Acquiring new habits is tough.

But I am not throwing in the towel. HOw many times in the past at this point did I just stop showing up at WW meetings? Did I just stop writing down my food consumption? Did I just say, "Why bother?"

I know why I'm bothering. It's in the mirror. It's in the picture of me at my heaviest that I taped to my food journal's inside cover. Note that my heaviest wasn't that long ago (2004) and it wasn't that HIGH ago (18 to 19 pounds more than now). It would be too easy to regain. It's too easy. And I am not going back there. I may hover here for a while maintaining before I move down again, but I am not going back.

The fight is worth it.

And, boy, I can't wait until I get my high-fiber pasta delivered. It's delayed. Why does it take so long to make pasta? Anyway... All that fiber should be great for filling me up. And I adore marinara sauce with lots of garlic. I'm gonna start figuring out what's most filling for me and I MUST KEEP THAT IN THE HOUSE AND STOCKED AND READY.


The THIN COMMANDMENTS guy talks about how strategy is mightier than cravings. Strategy beats Overeating Ogres. Well, I'm paraphrasing.

More truth: I've been lazy. I haven't done enough.

One: I didn't make the WW veggie soup (which, when I was perfect on plan was the most filling, low-calorie option around the houe). I have to make it , pack it in tupperware, and have it there to nuke when the appetite beast roars.

Two: I also need to get me some fat free cheddar slices and low-cal bread, so I can make a fast 3 points sandwich to go with that soup when necessary. I hate fat-free cheese (I prefer the 50 calorie low-fat for toasted cheese), but it's a reality that I need that in my arsenal right now.

Three: I'm still not exercising regularly.

As I said. Lazy. Not enough.

But we are still in the fight. Amen!

Okay, that's my update.

I already have my food delivery for today: egg white frittata and oatmeal, chicken pita sandwich for lunch, beef paprika for supper. And I have my protein powder on the counter for between meals. I just need to make a shopping list for my "ward off hunger with minimal points" stuff. The soup fixings. The lite, hi-fiber bread. The fat-free slices. Some more low-fat stuff with BEANS.

Off I go to another day of fatfighting.

I hope your appetites on Sunday treated y'all better than me.

Be good to yourself. Eat an apple. Meditate for 10 minutes. Stretch. Drink your water.

HAPPY MONDAY! Onward and Downward!

September Challenge Update: September 5

As of September 5th, I am five for five for the monthly challenge.

This is the 14th day of my new eating plan.

Mood: Still motivated in the eating department, but appetite issues have resurfaced and I've had to focus a lot on fighting the urge to splurge. Today, I ate at the higher end of my calorie limit, only fifty calories to spare.

Movement: Still not exercising, and that's a different slothful thing to attack, a new mindset to acquire. Not there yet with that.

Positive Side: Eating well and feeling very energized. I'm still psyched!

How are you doing on your September challenge?

Made it Through Yesterday's Cravings

Call me sleeping beauty:

I just woke up after sleeping for....wait for it....

THIRTEEN HOURS

I've been trying to reset my schedule from nite owl to day sparrow.

My normal rhythm is nite owl. Even as a kid, I was never a morning person. But my sister's birthday is Saturday, and we want to do stuff with her, so here I am, waking up at an hour when I usually go to bed.

It was a bit complicated doing it (took days of finagling with my sleep schedule). Let's see how long I can keep it up. I'm hoping a long time. I'm hoping through Christmas.

I can hope big. :)

To update from my last entry:

I calmed down considerably yesterday after I posted about the snack attack. The second breakfast helped ENORMOUSLY. For lunch, I had a low-fat, high-fiber burrito (delivered from a healthful food delivery service), and the combination of oatmeal in the second breakfast and black beans and brown rice in the lunch totally calmed down my appetite. I even had enough calories in the day to enjoy a nice low-fat, no sugar tiramisu that was FABULOUS and felt completely like a decadent treat.

I stayed so full from the combination of fiberful meals that I didn't get hungry enough to have supper. So, I didn't. Totally skipped the baked chicken parmesan with asparagus and broccoli that was my dinner meal from the delivery service. And I had the calories to spare for it. (It was only like 300 calories).

I'll be taking my meds now and going to do bathroomy grooming stuff, then I'll weigh-in.

My only regret was not exercising at all yesterday.

But, hey, one battle won.

And special thanks to Lady T for the prayer and good wishes and to Chubby Chick for the kind comments. Hope today is fabulous for us all.

(And a second hug to Chubby Chick, who is having a hard day. I'll be praying for peace to sweep over you.)

~