Main Blog Updated: A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)

A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)

Remembering a Day of Tears, Anticipating the Days Without Tears

I've posted on my new blog:

Remembering a Day of Tears, Anticipating the Days Without Tears

 I hope your heart is comforted today with hope despite the terrible awfulness of the event we remember. Pray for families of 9-11 victims, pray for our soldiers still enmeshed in war, and pray for the success of those who are working to bring and end to war. May God send us a time of peace and understanding soon.

Please change your links/follows to my new blog. THANKS.

Still Not Able To Exercise..Grrr!

If you had told me a year ago that at some point I'd really miss exercising and I'd be totally antsy to get back to working out, I'd have laughed spittle upon your face in my uproar of incredulous glee.

Well, blow me down. I'm really, truly antsy to get back to my Pilates sessions.

But my respiratory system is not cooperating. :(

I'm taking forever to get over this episode of inflammation, despite lots of fluids, juices, and eating clean.

I think I can feel my muscles losing firmness! Nooooo!!!

I still covet prayers and good vibes.

~~

Bible Bite: A Be-Attitude for Dieters and Giving Yourself a Gift on Three King's Day

Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied."
~~Luke 6:21

Yeah, I know that I'm taking this famous Beatitude out of context by making it about dieting, instead of the spiritual context of the Sermon on the Mount. But I think the Lord will understand. :) After all, gluttony is a sin, and the Word is there to teach us, to help us correct ourselves, to assist us as we work to overcome our weaknesses, right?

So...back to my appropriation of the Be-Attitude:

This was part of my devotion for yesterday. And I had to stop and consider it in MY current context--which is the one where I work to beat down my gorging inner beast.

Dieters are generally hungry. Most honest diet books admit it. Anytime you go from, say, 4000 or 6000 or 3000 or 8000 calories down to 2000 or 1600 or 1200, you will be hungry. (Yeah, I know the very low carb diets have an elimination of hunger through ketosis aspect, but most of us don't or won't or can't do that sort of eating.) Some, like Dr. Beck, make it clear that being a grown-up means putting up with hunger pangs until it's time to eat according to one's meal plan. Most diets offer tricks and strategies to get us to feel full on fewer calories, on better foods, because hunger sets us up for gorging.

We dieters will face hunger. It's just how it is.

We don't like to hear this, do we? We don't like to feel deprived, hungry, peckish. And it's not just about the body (though that wars against us). We want the emotional comfort and satisfaction of eating what we want, when we want, or a reasonable facsimile.

But dieting means some acceptance of being hungry.

If we--and that means mostly ME, right now--can accept that there really is a blessing in tolerating a current and ongoing suffering of periodic levels of hunger in order to achieve ongoing and later levels of better health and mobility (the grown-up reasons) and a more attractive physique (the shallower motivation), then I--and we-- can see that the latter blessing (health, beauty) are greater than the current pseudo-blessing of eating what we want, when we want.

Whoa, that was a keyboard-full.

Result of all this pondering? I went to bed Monday a little hungry. I was at 1700 calories, and if I had a meal, even a mini-meal, I'd bust the 1800 I was shooting for. So, I sucked it up and went to bed with that little pang in me.

I've awoken with an appetite, I can tell you. And the scale showed a downward move from yesterday by -.6 lbs. So, that puts me at 276.2 today.

This is Tuesday. This is my mindset right now: Let yourself be a little hungry.

It's probably a good mental adjustment for all of us with weight issues--but how can we hold on to it, how can we live with it? I dunno. I'm just putting this out there: When the pangs start hitting, and what we plan to eat is X --which is low-cal and healthful and as filling as reasonably possible--and what we want to eat is Y--which is excessive and non-healthful and gorgeful--let's call ourselves blessed if we choose the healthful way, even if it leaves us not totally satisfied NOW. There's a greater satisfaction coming. A greater blessing.

Today is the second Christmas for us in the Latin culture. It's Three Kings Day. We celebrate the arrival of the Magi to offer gifts to the one born in Bethlehem and born to be king. (None of the gifts were cakes, cookies or sweets, I might add. All valuable and useful and symbolically significant, but not fattening. Heh.) I used to wake up to gifts under my bed on this morning when I was little. The Christmas season ends today, the Twelfth Day of Christmas. The Feast of the Epiphany.

Hunger as a blessing is my epiphany this week. I hope I can hold onto this blessing.

And this is my gift: I am giving myself today is the gift of a day of healthful eating and of accepting the occasional twinges of hunger and unsatisfied cravings, so that I, the Roly-Poly Princess may one day find satisfaction in being the Slender Queen of my empire.

Be a Magi to yourself today. Give yourself something that enriches your moment or your week or your life. Maybe an inspirational book or a calming cd or just go outside and sing a song in the sunlight. Maybe just ten minutes of positive thoughs: be grateful for the gift of life. Write a love letter to someone you haven't appreciated enough with words. Donate to a food bank in your name, and eat less so someone can eat more.

Seek an epiphany of your own. Be quiet and consider yourself and your life and your habits. Is there something you can come to realize that will be of help to you in any way, small or great?

And let me know what gift you gave yourself and what epiphany you may have had...

Happy Tuesday!

Depression and Weight and Blogging and Prayer and Clementines and Joy...

Shoot. I've been gone over two weeks. Sorry...again.

I started falling into another spell under the dark cloud, which doubly bummed me out, because I had come out of a very extended clinical depression this past January. It had been nice feeling normal all these months, pretty happy, often joyful, just normal.

So, for a couple weeks, I've been sleeping and feeling flat and ignoring chores like grocery and house cleaning. I had a few clusters of no-showering days, too, which is gross to go 3 or 4 days sans shower. But that is always one of the signs I'm in the blues--lack of energy to do squat, even wash my hair. And the sleeping too much. And the not blogging. And even not reading my Bible or praying, which is the worst thing to do for a religious person--stray from essential spiritual disciplines.

I started feeling that self-loathing, too.

Getting on the scale and seeing 277.6 didn't help. I wanted to cry, just cry, at gaining those pounds when I was close to getting into the 260s.

Two days ago, I felt so distressed about falling into another deep pit and regaining what cost me so much to lose, that the first thing I did when I woke up, lethargic and blue, was drop naked on my knees by my bed and pretty much beg for help out of the shadowland. I just didn't want to go there again, not this soon. I'd lost 4 years to depression this millenium, and I refused to just let it take another 4.

So, I prayed, I showered, and I read a Psalm, some I Corinthians, and recited the Apostle's Creed. And I said no to the daily dessert splurge I'd been using as medication. I called hubby at work and asked him to stop by the market and get me some papaya, clementines, plums, mushrooms, melon, and salad fixings.

The next day, I prayed again, and then I hauled my butt to Pilates. I hadn't been doing well with my exercises (to my estimation), cause I felt so low in the energy. It was excruciating to do anything. But though I wanted to cancel, I got dressed with my stinky unwashed-for-four-days hair and got through it. I did much better than the sessions the week before. After my session, I went to the farmer's market and filled a basket with fruits and fresh veggies to help me resume my healthful eating plan.

That was yesterday.

Today, I started to feel like the cloud was lifting. I did't feel dark blue, more like turquoise (lighter, prettier). I felt more energy. I COOKED! The first time I made dinner in over two weeks.

Today, the scale said 273.6. Four pounds off in a couple days.

I know that eating fruits and veggies and eating home-cooked meant less sodium, so I'm debloating. It helps. I feel less uncomfy in my skin.

I know there is a connection between depression and obesity--as my endocrinologist mentioned more than once trying to get me to take antidepressants. Here's an article about it:

People who are depressed may be more likely to become obese because of physiological changes in their hormone and immune systems that occur in depression. Also, they have more difficulty taking good care of themselves because of symptoms and consequences of depression, such as difficulty adhering to fitness regiments, overeating, and having negative thoughts.

Tell me about the difficulties. If I haven't got the initiative to take a 10 minute shower, it's damn for sure I'm not inclined to spend 30-to-45 minutes cooking a healthy meal or spend twenty minutes walking round the block!

I'm sure we've all heard how exercise is shown to help depression. The fact that I kept up the Pilates (only cancelled one class when my stomach rebelled and I got the runs) I think helped, too, to keep me from falling all the way over the cliff:

Treatments such as exercise and stress reduction can help to manage both obesity and depression at the same time. Potentially, dieting, which can worsen mood, and antidepressants, which can cause weight gain, should be minimized.

I certainly minimized dieting. But that was effect, rather than proactive.

My Pilates instructor really stressed how she wanted me to get into some regular aerobic activity. She is very gung-ho that this will help regulate my mood. I'm sure it will help. I went for a very short walk, ran into neighbors, got into two conversations. Not much aerobic stuff, but I felt lighter in spirit just from chatting. I got to share another pack of my South Beach Living whole grain, high fiber tortillas with one neighbor, who loved them when I gave her a pack a few months ago. (I ordered by the case.)

I've spent time in the last couple days researching local therapists. We're gonna switch insurance (again, dang)in January due to employer decision. I'd like to see if they cover treatment for depression and eating disorders of the therapy sort, rather than the drug sort. I'd like to take advantage. If they don't, we'll have to find a way to pay out of pocket for at least one sesson a week. If it means one less Pilates session a week, then so be it. But like dear Lyn, I know I need to get that kind of help. I do think my mood issues are at root a huge part of my eating issues, and as the article states, we who have these problems need treatment that's coordinated, addressing both:

"The treatment of depression and obesity should be integrated," the authors conclude. "This way, healthcare providers are working together to treat both conditions, rather than each in isolation."

If you also suffer from depression issues that impact your obesity situation, see if your insurer (if you have one) can pay for you to visit a therapist that has experience with BOTH depression and obesity, or who will integrate with a nutritionist or other specialist to get a holistic approach. It's all related.

So, I'm struggling, but the moment when I got on my knees and asked my Creator for help made some change. Some would say it's not God, but rather simply my own internal voice or will determining change. Each will analyze it as they choose. Me...I believe it was God. For whatever reason, my cry got heard this time.

I know, intellectually, that I'd do well to get on my knees about this issue first thing every day. Consistency ain't my strong suit, sadly, but I saw a big change in my mood from THAT moment, so I'll honor God by believing He brought freshness and light into the stifling and dark threshold of a depressive episode.

I've dealt with depression for 40 years. You'd think I'd have a better system of coping mechanisms, know what to do right off to minimize the damage. But depression is a sneaky mother, and you wake up and all vim is gone, all vision is bleak, and strategy seems beyond you. Just goes to show how debilitating some things can be.

On, the happy side: Clementines have been lovely. I wouldn't be surprised if those sweet babies have been therapeutic. Not just the vitamin C and all, but that bright, bursting sweetness. Man, go and have some clenmentines today. Don't miss this gift nature offers. Yum.

And for all those who left comments asking about me, thanks. I apologize for disappearing this month, but I am so grateful to be remembered.

Be happy today! Eat well. Move. Pray. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Give a gift to someone. Call a pal. BE HAPPY!

A few verses on joy to close out:

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24 NIV

…let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
I Chronicles 16:10-11 NIV

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
John 15:11 KJV

~

Pilates and the Princess' Knees & Prayer for Fellow Bloggers

I mentioned how hard it was to get through ANYTHING Monday--Pilates included. I was just deflated. Energy was on the ground level. No oomph.

Today, with the storms of Mon and Tues having moved on--sunnier, less humidity, no storming--my asthma was better. Breathing better = energy a bit better. I also slept slightly better. Energy that much better.

I was, however, in pain.

Monday, we did some barre work, including plies. Though we were careful to keep my knee from extending past the point of danger (kept it perpendicular, the knee over the big toe-ish), my right knee (the one that NEVER gives me trouble) hurt. We adjusted a bit, and it hurt less, but I didn't say anything and worked through it.

Bad idea.

Yesterday and today, my right (normally nice) knee has had stabbing pains whenever I sit down, get up, or climb stairs. Any weight-bearing bending motions. My left knee (the troublesome one since '89) is making loud clicks.

So, instead of opting out of the workout, I was very careful to describe what I was feeling to Liza, my trainer. She made appropriate adjustments to my posture to keep the knees relaxed. We stayed off the weight bearing stuff. Mostly used the reformer, stretched on the barrel. The only weight-bearing exercise I did was stretching-related. I'm hoping with some careful movement on my part, my knee will ease up and it will be my nice knee once more.

Fingers, not knees, crossed.

On the very positive side: I got a good workout. I couldn't get through things on Monday, so I worked proactively to set myself up for a better workout today. I prayed to get rest. (And did.) I made up a pre-workout snack based on something I read online to aid performance, including carbs, green tea, barley powder, whey protein, and coconut water for potassium. (It did help.) Today, I felt myself working harder, the muscles trembling with effort, but not collaspsing; my mind focused on controlling. Did I have a hard time with some things? Sure. But I didn't feel like a failure--like Monday. I felt good. I didn't feel like crying--the way I did Monday.

So far, my eating has been good, too. Not great. Great would imply much more perfection of choices and constriction of points. But good. Plenty of protein, high fiber (had beans at lunch), got my calcium foods in, and I have a lovely watermelon and half-papaya ready for dessert tonight. I went, stinky and sweaty after Pilates, to get these specifically. I was craving watermelon, and I did't have any at home. Tomorrow I get my organic foods delivery (mostly produce and dairy, plus chicken breasts) which will see me nicely set up for the rest of this week with greens and berries and calcium-rich foods.

I'm holding on tonight. My worst time of day is evenings. Making it through the evening means I make it through the day. :)

Positive thoughts.

And if you can spare a prayer for my creaky/achy knees and my spirit, I happily--and gratefully-- accept. While you're praying, add some intercession for our dear Scale Junkie, Diana, and Lyn of Escape from Obesity and Kate of Fabulous @ 50 . Life is tossing them curves--from the "void" inside, to marital grief, to health issues, to financial woes.

God bless you all, give you peace through trials, bring you through them stronger and better and braver and smarter and with healing and much more joy at the end of it all than you could possibly imagine!

~~

~~

If You Wish to Pray, Drop By and See (enter) Requests

Deb of One Weigh or Another has a prayer list up.
~~

Bible Bite for Today

"Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal..."

--Philippians 3:13b-14a

~~~

Highest Ground

Stevie Wonder. Can't go wrong with da man. So, when you visit Til I Reach My Highest Ground blog, you get to groove to one of Little Stevie's (remember when they called him that?) best songs. Bop along. Burn a few calories.

Anyway, I dropped by and it's a cool blog--nifty artwork (the female illustration is how I've often envisioned myself in fantasies--the long heroine hair, the sleek physique, red dress, red lipstick (which I adore, and to heck with it's "aging" properties), the dusky skin, cause I was born with my natural tan!

I liked this quote from Oprah (talking about Marianne Williamson's counsel) from one of the recent posts:

In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are. This is the miracle you seek.

I'm not on the same spiritual path as either of those famous ladies named above, but I am on one that also places a great deal of emphasis on faith, on believing, on the miraculous. And from what I've read (spiritually-based or psychologically-founded), believing in your ability to do better, be greater, achieve is essential. One must BELIEVE one can do great things in order to do them or one must believe in One who is The Greatest Of All working in us to do those great things.

Faith is a potent thing. Optimism is a powerful weapon. And self-understanding--learning why we want things, do things, don't do things--is invaluable. Necessary, even.

Why do we overeat? Is it just hedonism--all about the pleasure of food? Is it a chemical addiction to certain substances in what we eat? Is it bad habits developed from childhood? Is it the filling of an emotional void? Is it from boredom? Is it a way of expressing self-loathing? Is it a way to self-protect with maintaining fat? Is it laziness? Is it a physiology gone wacky keeping us from normal appetites?

What is it?

We need to learn the why, but then we also have to develop the "I can" that says no matter what the WHY is, we can overcome it, through force of will or through spiritual development, or through dependence on the God who is stronger than anything we can throw at ourselves or Him. Or through multiple tools, ideally.

I believe that a spiritual issue--sin--is part of my problem. I believe bad habits are part of my problem. I believe emotional eating is part of my problem. And a damaged body/physiology is also one of my burdens (autoimmune disorder, dead thyroid, etc).

It's a multi-prong attack I need: psychological, spiritual, behavioral.

I wouldn't be surprised if most of y'all need a multi-prong approach, too.

It's really exhausting, really intense to attack so many areas of weakness at once, and often I find that I'm shoring up this part while those other parts there and there and there are ganging up on me.

Maybe you, too, have multiple issues to address and it feels overwhelming.

Here's the thing: Believe you can do it. Believe you can learn what your purpose in life is, and that you can learn why you are damaging yourself with overeating and underexercising.

On days when you're sure you CAN'T, tell yourself over and over that you can. Others have done it. If another human being has done it, one with your similar situation, then you can. And I can assure you (and me) that others in our situation have done it. Just google up blogs and sites. Other folks with bad marriages, a history of abuse, chronic illnesses, financial struggles, a besetting set of sins, living in wartime, living with a dysfunctional family, dealing with bereavements, etc--these folks have overcome the odds and lost weight, started new careers, moved across continents, climbed mountains.

They didn't let obstacles keep them from the highest grounds.

Just think of someone like Lance Armstrong and what he did despite cancer taking its toll. Or Helen Keller. Or...your fave diet blogger. :)

Others have blazed dieting trails and told us the best tools for X and Y and Z issues.

You are never alone, really. Not as long as someone else showed the way.

I have to tell myself this every single day. That I can do it. That it's not impossible. That others have overcome and so can I.

It's still not ingrained. I have to consciously do it to keep myself from losing all the ground I've gained, which would only make it that much longer to get to my highest ground.

I believe that with my own surrender to God, first and foremost, in sync my own development of good habits (absolutely essential) and my own self-examination and self-understanding (can't skip this bit), I can make progress.

I believe with using tools, I can achieve the goal of greater health and less weight.

I believe with support from others, I can get through each day.

But I'm still a lazy butt too often (ie, just slip back into the self-pleasuring, easy way of eating too much). And I tend to isolate when I'm blue (depression plays its part). Those are really huge parts of the problem, too.

And our nation is set up to tempt us to eat. Just drive around and notice. Food, food, everywhere. Sights, smells, words drawing us in. It's like gluttony demons are running the food industry, I swear!

As a previous post said, change is hard. But staying obese is harder in the long run.

I believe I can change. I believe in a God who wants to help all His children achieve their purpose and overcome their temptations and set loose their self-destructive burdens. I believe in the power of our community to help us not give up, even when that's the only thing we really want to do.

Believe you won't give up. No matter what.

Every person out there has a purpose. We don't all know it for sure, what it is. Is it small, but important, or huge and important. It's always important. Is your purpose to help others achieve their weight goals? It might be. You never know! I've seen people with blogs that I find such a blessing, that I know one of their purposes is to offer that sort of exhortation and encouragement to me and others. Absolutely.

Fat gets in the way of so many purposes because it saps energy and causes loss of self-worth in too many of us.

Believe we are stronger than food, stronger than fat, stronger than laziness, stronger than our own insecurities, stronger than each one and all of our opponents and enemies.

Believe the highest ground is attainable.

Im so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin
Till I reach my highest ground
No ones gonna bring me down
Oh no
Till I reach my highest ground
Dont you let nobody bring you down (theyll sho nuff try)
God is gonna show you higher ground
Hes the only friend you have around

While I disagree with Stevie that God is our only friend, I do believe God is the most faithful friend and one available 24/7 for a lifetime. Which, well, is a very good and encouraging thing.

I also believe we can be friends to one another, with our words available for those who need it 24/7. That's not bad, huh?

So, if you're a praying sort, pray for us fatfighters today, would you?

Struggling to Get Back on Track

Dang, I was gone another couple months, huh?

Lemme just spew it out now: I went off the wagon big time. Regained, at one point, 10 pounds!

I lost five of them, and am working to find my balance and groove once more.

It was a bit stressful round here, not knowing if we were going to have a household income, not knowing if we were gonna have to move across the continent (Seattle and San Diego were both possibilities), away from all my family and memories. Budgeting. Home repair woes. Etc. Stress!

But, God is good. Hubby got a good job with a local branch of a tech company. I can continue to buy organic groceries--for now. Hah! With the crazy rise in food prices, I may have to ration even that.

Sadly, I'm not feeling much "weight loss mojo" today. Still, I feel a tiny bit, and that's better than none at all--which is what I felt for two months. But I figure I better start blogging (even if less consistently), so as to start getting out of the inertia that has had me overeating and regaining and skipping my daily infusion of blog support (both in the getting and the giving). I refuse to throw in the towel.

So, sorry for the AWOL status.

I'd like to ask any of y'all who believe in prayer or good vibes or positive thoughts to aim some at our dear fellow fatfighting blogger Lyn of Escape from Obesity blog. She's having a rough time. In fact, it was reading her entry (after being absent from blog-reading for a spell) that reminded me that we do have a community out here, and that we care.

I ask the Lord's blessing on all of us having a hard time--whether it's with jobs, weight loss, family, health, or natural disasters. God, give us strength and perseverance, give us special mercies, help us find peace and a way out of whatever is pressing down on us. Amen.

Alive Again--More than a Metaphor

To all celebrating the victory of the Lord Christ over death: Happy Resurrection Day!

I was going to wait to post tomorrow, but I'm feeling much better--finally--today, and as this is the day of joy and new life, it's fitting.

Having been sick for three weeks has derailed me,making a mockery of the "Easter Challenge" during which I did NOT challenge myself. It's time to start fresh and renew what has been ailing.

I stepped on the scale and it was 273. A gain of 4+ over my lowest weigh-in. So, definitely, I need to rise up and move on and get with it. I failed. All is forgiven: Move on.

There is no giving up. You and I succeed or you and I, eventually die, and die as non-losers. And I believe that would be very sad indeed.

There is no pity party here. Just a deep sadness that I got off track, a frustration at my body, and a self-reproach at my lack of self-control. Even sick, I should have made better choices.

Let's bury our self-destructive ways. Let's rise up with fresh resolve.

I've spent most of my life over-indulging. That doesn't give life. It robs life from me.

Scripture talks about dying to sin, and a resurrection into new life. Of walking in the Spirit, and not fulfilling the lusts of the flesh.

Overeating is a complex thing--some of us have physiologies that will not let us be easily satisfied, we have medical issues, we have longstanding bad habits when it comes to food--but for the person of faith, there is always the other component: the spiritual. Gluttony is sin. Overeating is wrong. Not just because it damages the body, but because it shows that something governs us other than the Spirit, something controls us other than our rational and godly will. Desire controls us. Pleasure controls us. Temptations control us.

This is, I believe, why it is so difficult to get to a healthy weight when one has become very overweight. We have developed a pattern of giving in to desires, to satifying "the flesh," and that's always hard to break--be it via sex, overspending, anger, gossip, vanity, complaining, worrying, sloth, etc.

Today's holiday reminds me that at the root of anything that harms us is, generally, sin. And it has to be dealt with, especially if we call ourselves people of faith. As a Christian, I don't get an out. Our traditions have always condemned overindulgence in food ( just go study the practices of some saints and Church mothers and fathers when it came to what they ingested.)

God gave us a beautiful planet full of amazing things to nourish us. But we abuse it. We abuse it when we eat foods that are not good foods as our "usual" staples. Cookies and cakes and candies are supposed to be treats--occasional, rarer than wholesome fare. We abuse the gift of good food when we eat so much of any of it (or all of it) that we distort our bodies from their sound functions. I have mobility issues because I am so heavy. I've distorted myself so that I can't function properly.

Granted, at the other end of the spectrum is the denier of nourishment or the person caught up in vanity, the excess self-absorption of size and appearnace, that causes people to obsess about food for another reason--to be sexually desirable and beautiful. It's a gift to be lovely. It's wonderful to be attractive for, especially, the person who is our lifemate. But spending inordinate time on beauty and fitness regimens for the purpose of looking "hot" is vanity, just as stuffing ourselves with food to make ourselves feel good is gluttony and displaced affection.

The New Testament, in the epistle to the Galatians, says this:

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

Obsession with eating is a yoke. Obesity is a form of enslavement. We know that, dont' we? It's so hard and it comes with a terrible price. We are not truly ourselves, because we aren't free to go and do as much as we'd wish. Our liberty is curtailed. We are not our masters, some days, most days, but rather food is.

For the believer, the remedy is supposed to be this:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.

Why? Because the Spririt is power; because in the list of the "fruit of the Spirit" is...self-control. (see Gal 5:22)

A person doesn't get to 300 lbs (as I did) without a serious lack of self-control, no matter what other factors (medical, psychological, familial, cultural) come into play.

I want self-control. I want it bad. But do I want it enough to get past all the obstacles? Wouldn't it just be simpler to get the mechanical-surgical fix? (And, hey, I don't diss that. It's tempting to me, and it is a legitimate resource. But it still leaves me with a spiritual problem unresolved.)

I'm examining myself today--and have been all this weekend--because I've focused on groceries and food lists and weights and measures, but I've seriously neglected what, to me as a person of faith, is the most-pressing component, the spiritual aspect of overeating and of dieting and of health.

So, what I pray for and wish for all of us today, those who believe like I do and those who don't, is new life--inside and out. Renewal. So that we can live more abundantly.

And may next year's holiday see us better in body, mind, and spirit. Happier and healthier. Set free of gluttony. Healed of diseases. Restored in all ways. Out of the tomb of obesity and amazingly full of life!

Onward and DOWNWARD!

Please Pray for Oinkstop

Things are tough for our fellow fatfighter. She had a HUGE loss this week, but it came from sorrow, and no one wants that sort of grief.

If you believe in the power of prayer, please add your voice.

Thanks for the Prayers and Kind Words & The Look Great in 2008 Challenge Oopsie

To all who are praying for my friend Y and her hubby L, I thank you, thank you, thank you. Having your good wishes and commisseration is a blessing. Really!

I've been feeling unwell, sleeping poorly, and I think it's just worry for them.

Even now, dinner didn't set well, and I feel nauseous.

With all the personal stuff and the Kimkins hoopla, I forgot to do my Tales from the Scales weigh-in, but I'm gonna try to go rest for some few hours and I'll post tomorrow for the nice folks at the challenge. And I want to catch up with my blogging pals.

Again, thanks. Prayers always welcome.
~

The Princess is Having a Hard Week

Yesterday, my husband went out of town on a business trip. That's always tough for me. But I got some really bad news yesterday as I was saying "bye" to hubby. It was about a friend from my old church who moved out of town a couple years ago. Her cancer recurred. She went under the knife yesterday.

I got in an emotional muddle and downed an entire pint of chocolate yogurt.

I spent about an hour weeping and praying.

Cancer sucks.

They're also having financial woes, which they kept mostly to themselves. We all know how that adds to the stress of illness. How it can ruin one's ability to think positively and focus on wellness.

Well, we're aware now of their hardship, bill-paying-wise. The church family is collecting money--and the Princess is writing a juicy check to help-- and I believe it will be sorted out. (Her hubby had a stroke earlier in the year, and he hasn't been able to work and earn as he did at previous times. They were never affluent, but, hey, both parents down with bad conditions wreaks havoc on the budget.) I know it will be okay, because back when their daughter had to have some delicate brain surgery for a hugely rare condition (that only like a couple hundred poeple in the US have), the church collected so much that they ended up paying nearly nothing for their weeks out of town for hotels, rental cars, food, plane tickets, etc. All was covered by donations.

You ever met people who are just so good you couldn't point out a flaw?

Well, that's this family. The parents are great--giving, merciful, helpful, unselfish, tireless workers, faithful, loyal, cheerful. The kids are great--no bad behavior, no disrespect, no partying or wild life. It's just a solid, American, Christian family that tries to do good to anyone around them who needs a hand. Always. Much better folks than the Princess. I am so full of flaws, I would get a cramp trying to type them all.

Even now, with all that is going on, they haven't caved to bitterness or darkness. They keep the faith.

So, this is a case of bad things happening to good, good, GOOD people. And it makes me exhausted with the pain of it.

Today, I've stayed--so far--on plan. Not the trainwreck of sugar and salt and calories like yesterday's emotional blow-out.

If you are a praying sort of person, please pray for my friend and her hubby. I'll use initial: Y is my pal, and L is her husband. Their kids are J and L. All four of them could use supernatural help--healing of body and budget.

Thanks. I think I need to go shed a few more tears and say another prayer.

~

9/11: Remembering...Praying...Hoping...

It puts our small struggles into big perspective, no?

May the souls of the departed have found bliss. And may peace come soon to all the living. May we appreciate those around us today, because we have no guarantees...

Lord, help us be better people today. Help us be wise. Help us be caring.

Help us to forgive.

~ ~ ~

Go Away, Goblin and Ogre! Hello, Mercy!

I see from my comments to yesterday's post that both Chubby Chick and Lady T had the Overeating Ogre and the Gobbling Goblin paying them visits.

They get around, don't they?

To all those struggling: God's blessing upon you this day. He loves us, fat or thin. He listens, happy or sad.

Be good to yourself. Be kind to your spirit. Don't abuse yourself with cruel talk. Say, "I am able to overcome all things. I am powerful. I am a person of worth and value. Food does not define me. Neither does fat. It's just one more hurdle to overcome. And we will overcome."

Eat fruits and veggies. Drink your water. Sing a happy song. Go for a stroll and breathe open air.

And if you overcame your pangs yesterday or do overcome them today, let me know what you did.

Special shout-out to Scale Junkie, who's been there. Paint my nails, huh? :)

Encourage a Dieting Friend: An E-Card

Our Lady of Weight Loss--an art-oriented, humor-filled, motivational site for those on the journey to fat loss--has e-cards you can send.

Know a pal online who needs a dose of motivational art and humor?

There's a great e-card at left. It's the "Love Thyself" card, and the little scribblngs say:

"Exercise is my middle name."
"Yes, I can."
"Fruit over cake."
"No matter what, I'll stay the course."
"Love Thyself."

~~and my fave of all:

"I do not accept delivery of my ancestors' fat genes."

While the e-card is free, there are cool greeting cards and motivational objects for sale, and I just bought a bunch of them.

I especially am wild about the one at right. It's not ARTISTICALLY the neatest one. But the message is spot on. When you make a mistake. When you eat that bit of crap food. When you go over your calorie count. Sit, take a breath, assess the whys of it. Think of strategies for future avoidance and triumph. But, most of all, remember to say:

"All is Forgiven. MOVE ON."

Don't get ovewhelmed. Don't get depressed. Don't beat yourself into a bloody psychological pulp. "All is forgiven." You are human. You are complex. You have to struggle and strive. "Move on."

I am human. I am complex. I must struggle. And I must strive.

And I must move on.

Love that. Good to remember. Always, keep moving on. Leave the guilt and shame behind and MOVE ON and tackle the next snack, the next meal, the next hour, the next day, the next weigh in.

ALL IS FORGIVEN...Move on.

Made it Through Yesterday's Cravings

Call me sleeping beauty:

I just woke up after sleeping for....wait for it....

THIRTEEN HOURS

I've been trying to reset my schedule from nite owl to day sparrow.

My normal rhythm is nite owl. Even as a kid, I was never a morning person. But my sister's birthday is Saturday, and we want to do stuff with her, so here I am, waking up at an hour when I usually go to bed.

It was a bit complicated doing it (took days of finagling with my sleep schedule). Let's see how long I can keep it up. I'm hoping a long time. I'm hoping through Christmas.

I can hope big. :)

To update from my last entry:

I calmed down considerably yesterday after I posted about the snack attack. The second breakfast helped ENORMOUSLY. For lunch, I had a low-fat, high-fiber burrito (delivered from a healthful food delivery service), and the combination of oatmeal in the second breakfast and black beans and brown rice in the lunch totally calmed down my appetite. I even had enough calories in the day to enjoy a nice low-fat, no sugar tiramisu that was FABULOUS and felt completely like a decadent treat.

I stayed so full from the combination of fiberful meals that I didn't get hungry enough to have supper. So, I didn't. Totally skipped the baked chicken parmesan with asparagus and broccoli that was my dinner meal from the delivery service. And I had the calories to spare for it. (It was only like 300 calories).

I'll be taking my meds now and going to do bathroomy grooming stuff, then I'll weigh-in.

My only regret was not exercising at all yesterday.

But, hey, one battle won.

And special thanks to Lady T for the prayer and good wishes and to Chubby Chick for the kind comments. Hope today is fabulous for us all.

(And a second hug to Chubby Chick, who is having a hard day. I'll be praying for peace to sweep over you.)

~

Gobbling Goblin Lurks: Man, I'm Hungry!

For the first time since I restarted my eating plan, I feel very, very, very HUNGRY.

I don't think I ate enough yesterday, so I'm paying for it. Or maybe it's hormonal. Or maybe it's just...a mystery.

Whatever. Time to deal with it.

I had a high-protein SECOND breakfast (it's too early for lunch, so it's really breakfast number two) with some fiber just now in the hope that it will quell the persistent sense of emptiness: a cup of high-protein oatmeal and a small slice of egg-white and vegetable frittata. We're talking about 270 calories, but a solid dose of protein and some healthy fiber.

I'll go guzzle water and make some tea. Maybe by the time I'm done sipping my second cup, I won't have this head-buzzing, body-aggravating sense of a hole in my gut wanting to be filled up and up and up....

I'm also gonna go pray. If you're a praying sort, throw one up for me. I do NOT want to ruin my progress with a binge.

Thanks.

Fighting the good fight! (And it's tough.)

Three Weeks and a Day: I'm Back!

I am clearly still having those balance issues. I can't seem to focus on ONE thing, yet, and still do another.

So, wow, 22 days since my last post. Dang.

This quote from Diet Blog is fitting right now:

We are generally very adept at starting exercise and programs and dietary regimes... and we pretty much suck at sticking to it.

--from the entry "How to Stay on the Wagon: For Good"

Anyway, a recap--and it seems like 10 is the number of the day:

1. Not losing weight. In fact, whether it's fat or water retention--not sure in this perimenopausal stage of my life when my period shows up when it feels like--I was at 287.5 yesterday. Today, 286.5. So, clearly, backsliding there.

2. Attacking the lack of motivation. I hauled out my diet books and that's what allowed me to stay at about 2100 calories yesterday (rather than eating my usual 3500 when I'm not vigilant). That may account for the loss since yesterday. Or maybe I just peed a lot. Hard to know. This meant that I got bupkiss written on the novel yesterday and only mild editing done on my editing gigs. See what I mean about not balancing?

I've got the diet books laid out on the couch, so that if I sit for tea or coffee or a snack, I can reach out and read something that will keep me from bingeing.

3. The food journal. Yep. I started doing it again. That's how I know what I ate yesterday points (41.5) and calorie wise (2100). I ordered up some actual food diaries from amazon.com, but meanwhile, I'm just using a little notebook.

3. The spiritual side of things. I actually had not been praying about the fat and fitness issues. Hey, when you got war and people losing jobs and famines and floods and hurricanes, not to mention sick friends or friends undergoing surgery or family members with issues, or a house that needs repairs, it's easy to put diet on the backburner. But as of yesterday, I decided that got moved up in the line. Yes, other things get priority (like world peace and cures for diseases and my family), but it's moved up a lot. I need to find my copy of THE PRAYER DIET (One of those books I bought a while ago and never really read. Maybe it's a good time now to read it.)

4. spreadsheets, anyone. Okay, it sounds totally geeky-dorky, but I'm using it as an excuse to LEARN to use a spreadsheet, which I'm totally ignorant about. Yes, I feel so stupid not knowing how to use a spreadsheet in this era of Excel and Google charting. I found one system over at THE DIET SPREADSHEET. I have no clue how to do it properly, but I like the idea and I figure the chart--as long as it's moving generally downwards--would be a motivational tool. And a nice reminder of achievement (Yes, let us be POSITIVE, shall we?)

If anyone is a spreadsheet whiz and has posted on this, do let me know and give me a url so I can see how you did it. Thanks.

5. The dietitian. I'm thinking of revisiting a dietitian I had several appointments with three years ago. If nothing else, it allows me to vent to someone weekly who has expertise on this losing weight stuff.

6. May rejoin WW. I'm not terribly good with WW. I've done it several times since 1998. I always lost some (once, 30 pounds), but it was hard for me to keep up since I have a "rolling" schedule. That is, one week I'll be up in the mornings. One in the afternoons. Another in the evenings. I never sleep and get up at the same time. So, committing to, say, a Tuesday 9 am class is tough if I may be sound asleep when the next 9 am on a Tuesday rolls around. Then again, I'd love to have a normal schedule. My body's whack rhythms war with my desires. As usual.

7. Motivational cds. I ordered up 100 bucks worth of diet and motivational audiobooks. I figure I've got 30 minutes in the bathroom I can get someone telling me encouraging and informational stuff. Why not? I can alternate with my current theological and writing craft audiotapes.

8. I've looked into some residential weight loss programs. The big obstacles are my chemical sensitivities (traveling is always risky, cause where I stay may cause me to explode internally, ie, immune system) and the cost. Yowza. Most are more than 3K a week. One local one--safer in terms of my being able to come home if sleeping there gets my system in an uproar--is more than 4K a week. And to glean the best results, you really need to stay 2 weeks to a month at these places. We're talking round $20,000 for a month. (Excuse me while I pass out.) For that, I could pay for surgery!

9. Speaking of bariatric surgery: I don't want surgery yet. I'm still thinking LAST RESORT. I want no more holes poked in me and parts cut out of me. I'm not ready...yet. I don't discount it, but it's not on the forefront, even if it is a highly successful--the only truly effective obesity treatment out there right now. So, the lap band is down the list, but not out of it. (Feel free to comment on that if you wish.) Basically, I wanna give myself one more year. If I'm still struggling and struggling and struggling, then I'll start the process to try and get approval on that. One year. It sounds like a long time, but really, how fast it goes. I can barely believe 2007 is more tha half over.

10. Still haven't set up an appointment with a psych regarding the depression. I realized it yesterday, cause I was starting to get the strange sort of "flat" feeling that I tend to get right before I fall ito the pit. I don't want to take drugs for it, which is why I know I'm lollygagging. Sigh.

~~

One thing that THIN FOR LIE (the diet book that assesses how the master losers--those who lost weight and KEPT it off) says is that most failed at dieting many times before finally succeeding. That's the sort of thing that gives me hope. Well, that and the fact that I'm still not at my highest weight and I'm not up to my original blogging start weight. Better to get on the wagon again before all the damage is redone.

So, here I go again. Maybe not on my own, like the Whitesnake song says, but it always comes down to, first and foremost, me.

But that whole multi-tasking thing, I really need to find the balance. I'm guessing the most productive folks find that balance.

I need to structure my days to fit in:

1. hygiene stuff (showering, shaving, blow-drying, etc)
2. meals and meal planning and cooking
3. exercise
4. house cleaning and maintenance
5. writing
6. editing
7. reading (a necessary thing for writers/editors)
8. family stuff (including, yes, nookie)
9. taking care of mail/bills
10.errands outside of the house, like groceries and car repairs and banking and what-not.

Can we get the physicists to give us 36 hours days? I mean, how hard could it be moving the Earth just scosh away from the sun? And then we'd have global cooling instead of global warming. Yes, works for me. Definitely.

Here's to hope and new starts! (and planetary repositioning.)
~
Some of the Books on My Couch and CDs I ordered: