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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Crazy Mad At Myself

I'm still fighting off the blues, but on top of that, I'm ticked off at myself for not being fully, utterly committed. I still am stuck in that cycle of eating relatively well for two meals and then going nuts during a third.

Usually, the nuts meal is dinner. Yesterday, it was lunch.

I had gotten myself a perfectly adequate turkey and swiss on multigrain sandwich for lunch after my Pilates class--which went well, as I was breathing so much better and could fully exert myself. Here I was, driving home, sandwich in tow, and--boom!-- I get this raging craving for something madly, Chinesely salty. I'm like this possessed person. So, I take a right when I spot a local Chinese eatery and got a takeaway: the pepper steak combo--that diet-destroying thing that comes with fried rice and an egg roll and soup.

Oh, man. I ate it all.

The poor sandwich was relegated to the fridge.

I felt really not great after. I had a hard time waking up, and ended up sleeping 13 hours.

And I woke up bloated and with dark circles under my eyes. I don't normally suffer from dark circles unless I have sinusitis or other nasal allergy flare-up. But I notice that eating a lot of Chinese food (sodium, MSG?) makes me get dark circles. Hmm.

So, I look like crap, feel like crap and am very pissed off at my total lack of self-control.

I don't know what switch in me has to be pushed, but clearly, I am not committed in my will as much as I am in my mind. My mind wakes up deciding to go, my will decides to be a promiscuous food whore.

I am not giving up, but I am wishing there was an easier way to flip that switch and get going on this.

So frustrated. But not surrendering.

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4 comments:

moonduster said...

Good for you on not giving up! You'll find the right switch to get you back on track.

The Better Idiot said...

Gah! We've all been there (in fact, look a little to your right, you see that girl with the red hair? - hi! that's me). I've woken up with a food hangover so many times over the last few weeks and it really does feel crappy. Sometimes I have to get to this point before I can cycle back up, hopefully you'll be going up (mentally!) soon.

Heather said...

just try and get over the anger you feel at yourself for giving in to your temptation. I used to be SOOOO hard on myself (and still am sometimes) when I would eat something I shouldnt or would say I would eat healthy and then mess up. it was that lack of forgiveness that kept me stuck in a rut for so long. just let go of that self hatred and learn to forgive yourself and know its ok to make mistakes. just pick yourself up tomorrow, its a new day, and you can do it!

Clinton Walker III said...

It's great that you recongnize what your problem may be. Now that you understand, you have to move forward and eat small healthy meals.