Bloggy Inspiration for Breakfast and Action

Two bloggers inspired me today. One got me to make a yumsy breakfast rather than just settling for the easier (lazier) cheese toast, coffee and fruit. Another has me committed to stepping out the door.

First: Breakfast.  I've been in a bit of a breakfast rut this week, just slapping cheese or ham and cheese between whole wheat bread with coffee and fruit and water. But I saw Poor Girl Eats Well recent blog on Mushroom Fajita omelette  and thought: I WANT THAT NOW! :)

I didn't have all the ingredients on hand her recipe calls for, in fact, I've been in such a funk I've been out of eggs for a week and didn't bother to go shopping for some, but I found a carton of egg whites set to expire in ten days at the back of the fridge. Must have been there a couple months. I had 2% Kraft singles handy. I had portabella mushrooms I picked up at the lil ratty local farmer's market on the way back from Pilates Monday (the market is sad, but it's only one block away from the studio, and I was craving berries). I had half of one sweet onion and half a red pepper left from that Monday market drop-by. And a tomato. That would do nicely.

I sauteed the veggies in a couple teaspoons of EVOO in one small pan, coated another in PAM organic spray (olive oil version) and used that for the egg whites.

Squeezed some of the almost overripe tangerines I had left for fresh juice. Put two slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster oven. Made my fabulous Ethiopian gourmet coffee (freshly ground beans, filtered water).

A feast.  Got four and a half fruits and veggies and a very filling meal for just over 500 calories. Were I in full, gung-ho diet mode, I'd have left out one slice of toast and had less juice. A lot of calories for one meal, some would say, but I find if I skip breakfast or eat a very small one, I tend to pig out crazy at lunch or binge at dinner. I always wake up ravenous. The only one in my family to do so. Hm.

The other inspiring blogger today was Lyn. I could have written about that detachment. About being numb eating and living in the head. I had been doing better, then got all funked down and began doing that again. Here's something she said in today's post:

I feel so very alive now. I see things that need to be done and I embrace the challenge instead of dreading the work. I see the sunshine outside and I want to be out there *in* it... not burying my face in a Big Mac Meal or a computer screen for hours on end. I feel like I have stepped back into the real world. I feel like I have awakened from a decade of detached slumber. I am awake, alive, and present.

After reading that, I decided to have my second cup of coffee, post to the blog, and get dressed and GO OUTSIDE somewhere. At this point, I don't care where. Whole foods to stock up on good stuff. A park. The bookstore to browse and watch people. To make a doctor's appointment. To buy shoes. Don't care. Just get up, shower, get prettied up, put on non-lounging clothes, and live outside the head for a while.

Thanks Poor Girl and Lyn.

Nutrition Tracker Guiding Supplementation--and where I'm lagging, again--and Pilates during Allergy Season; Kirstie Annoys Me

So, I'm tracking my nutrition. So far, today I'm on target for calories for breakfast, snack, and lunch--1250, which leaves me 600 to 750 for dinner (I'm aiming at 2000 calories or fewer).

I'm high for salt (the cold cuts in my lunch sammie) and way low for water (but I'm sitting here with a tall 24 ounce glass of filtered water). I was also low on zinc and magnesium and vitamin D, but I took supplements with lunch as soon as I noticed that on my Sparkpeople nutrition breakdown. (I am always low on zinc and some others, so I just got me supplements and work with that. The Ionic Zinc in liquid form is dreadful. I gotta put it in a very strong juice to get it down, something like Acai-berry blend or Goji. Horrible stuff. My vitamin D is in gummy form, yum.)

Yes, I'm working on being committed and focused. :)

Pilates was tough, but good. I have a different trainer--she's great, though-- while my regular one is on snowboarding vacation. :)  In the midst of this horrific allergy season, some positions are harder due to just having more congestion. I do load up the meds before going--Singulair, Vick's nasal inhaler, Advair, Albuterol inhaler, green tea and coffee, which do help open airways, ya know. I take my  Zyrtec before bed, so that it keeps me clear for sleep and so the appetite-increasing effects bother me less.

I wish I could afford 4x a week personal training, cause I always feel that wonderful sense of achievement after I get through a hard, hard workout. And I never work that hard on my own. I just am not good at self-pushing when it comes to exercise.

On the exercise front, I caught an episode and a half of Kirstie Alley's new reality show. And she is not making me like her. I liked her in Cheers and Veronica's Closet and in a couple films. I think she's funny. I thought she was an amusing spokeswoman in those commercials for Jenny Craig a few years back. But on her show, she really comes across as...immature. Isn't this woman older than me? I'm not feeling it. And I"m not feeling encouraged by her journey, so I doubt I'll tune in again. Never know.

And I did visit that Organic Liaison site she plugs on her show, and I was turned off. A bunch of supplements that are likely overpriced (didn't bother to look that far into it). Anyone using that stuff?

And what happened to Carnie's show? Did they cancel it? I caught two episode and part of a third, and it started to feel very...staged. Fakey. So I tuned out.
It would be lovely to have a reality "Celebrity's weight loss journey" show that actually inspires me.

Forever To Go: Jack Sh*T Exposed

This was funny, but also encouraging. Jack's got a great sense of humor. Check out THIS POST to see him bare his manly form to the webby world. I hope he doesn't mind I snitched one of his images for this. :D

How Committed Am I...Are You?

The clock in my soul  is ticking furiously, inexorably...and it sounds like it's saying. HURRY, HURRY. Are you gonna commit?

Am I committed enough to my goals? My weight goal in particular, I'm asked, which, if I don't meet will shorten my life and impede my other goals...

I can't help but be honest. Not much. Some. Some, that's all. I am watchful for parts of the day, but not all. I focus on other things easily. I don't keep up the strategies.

Some. A bit.

Some days, utterly minimally.

It's bothersome to me to be that uncommitted. It's a lack of a certain virtue I desire: perseverance. 

Perseverance is such a lovely word, such a beautiful character attribute. But I really lack it. In more areas than just diet. It goes hand in hand with its virtuous sibling: commitment.

I have several goals that have sat curbside while I dither, while I sink into blues, rise up a bit, sink down, while I fritter, while I dream, while I don't fully commit, while I don't work hourly, by the minute, on persevering in that commitment.. Dreaming is of no use if the action necessary to realize the dream is missing.

I'm missing in ACTION, so literally it's not at all funny. It's tragic.

My "I'm 50" midlife crisis has me really having alternating attacks of regret, nostalgia, anxiety, futurefear, wishing, more nostalgia, frenzied pep talks, depressed naps, more anxiety, self-berating, etc. I'm ridiculous, frankly. It's embarrassing to be so out of it and unfocused and unproductive and NOT MEET GOALS. 

Geesh.

So, why is this question of commitment suddenly on my mind. I got a mail message from  Sparkpeople with it's "Healthy Reflections." Here's it is in case it helps you, makes you think:

Are You Giving Your Goals Your Best Effort?

Your dreams deserve better than a half-hearted effort. Meet your goals with a weak handshake and they'll soon be waving you goodbye. Since you probably don't want to look back on a life full of "almost made it" memories, it's time for total commitment. Leave it all on the field, don't hold anything back. Is there anything more satisfying than pouring out your entire being, straddling the cliff, reaching your total limit, then looking up and realizing that oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-I-really-did-it? And is there anything more tragic than failing and realizing you could have done more? If you feel "tuned out" of your current life, that's okay. Make your first goal to build a life that you can get "in"-to. Then don't look back. Make every day count and live purposefully, live energetically, live completely. 

I don't have enough time left to keep wasting it, ya know. I don't wanna die FAT.

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Die. FAT!

I do not want to die having unrealized four other dreams of mine besides the weight thing.

And the clock keeps ticking....

Yummy looking Creamy Chicken Enchilada recipe, 250 cals per serving

I love enchiladas. Cheese (which I've made at home) and chicken being my two faves.  I was emailed a nifty-looking recipe for Creamy Chicken Enchiladas that I wanna try!

Here it is. If you make it, let me know how it turned out.

Mmmm. Mexican food.

School Lunches; Jamie Oliver and Chicken Nuggets; Weight Loss Shows; Shapelovers again, and Strawberries galore; Five Fruit Frenzy at Jamba Juice

Easter Sunday I was over at my big bro's home. He has two grandkids and I got a look at the elementary school lunch menu. It was taped to the fridge and smack in front of my face as I stored the extra chicken satay.

What crap we feed our kids. How come taxpayer dollars go to feed kids fattening, unhealthful crap? Chicken nuggets. Meat pizza (I'm guessing NOT on a whole grain crust or with low-fat cheese). Hot dogs (omigod). Corn Dogs (doubleomigod).

A quick google got this article with this summary of research findings regarding obesity and these crap school lunches:

Research presented this past weekend at a meeting of the Annual College of Cardiology determined that kids who eat lunches served by their schools are almost 60 percent more likely to be overweight or obese when compared to children who bring their lunch from home. The survey of nearly 1,300 Michigan-based sixth graders, taken over three years, also found that school lunch eaters ate more fat-intensive meats and sugar, as well as fewer vegetables than their counterparts—which contributed to them showing elevated levels of bad cholesterol in their bloodstreams.

If I were Empress of the US, school lunches would be the epitome of healthful, balanced eating to give kids a great start and energy to get through their studies. Whole grains. Nothing fried. No caffeine. Nothing with sugar (except for rare treats on a holiday times or other special occasions). No sugar-laden chocolate milk, for sure. No sodas--diet or otherwise. No junk chips (unless baked and low-salt and ideally made from something that has fiber). Fruit cups would have no added sugar. Certainly no hot dogs would be featured. Egads.

I know, they'll say this: kids won't eat healthful stuff.

Guess what? Tough patooties. Give parents before school starts an idea of a menu and what items are included. "If your child has not been trained at home to eat these foods, then please pack as suitable brown bag or bento or boxed lunch for them each day."

I figure it's up to parents to train kids to eat fruits, veggies, whole grains, etc. If they don't, then make lunch. I, as a taxpayer, don't wanna finance the ticking time bomb that is obesity and diabetes. I am a product of this junk food lunch system training kids to want and like more and more crap. (I remember grilled cheese sandwiches DRiPPING with margarine, fatty meat pizzas, oily fried chicken, sloppy joes on white buns, oily fries, huge-sized cookies.) Funny, cause at home we got rice, beans, salad with avocado and olive oil, and things that were far less damaging than what schools gave.

So, today, I caught Jamie Oliver on The Doctors (where I got a look at a liver and a heart that probably look like mine, given I'm obese. Ick.) He was showing kids how gross chicken nuggets can be made. It was vile. But when he fried them up and asked which of the kids would eat them, all of them raised their hands. Even after seeing the globs of fat and goo that went into the nuggets, they'd eat 'em. Hah. Jamie was shocked.

They also showed the crazy amounts of salt and sugar in kid's lunch meals. One could weep.

I really am amazed parents tolerate those menus. Corn dogs. CORN DOGS???

Insane.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I caught a couple episodes of LOST IT! on Discovery Health channel. I wanted to see if the stories could up my mojo factor. It's always nice to see folks get it off and feel happier and healthier. One lady did WW. One did Jenny Craig. One guy did hypnosis tapes, which actually looked maybe interesting.

I'm not feeling all that motivated, but I did feel a tad more hopeful watching. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gotta admit that the Shapelover meals this week have been very good. Their food is tastier than when I first tried them more than a year ago (for a brief while). Very tasty. Yesterday, I had the Normandy Beef consomme, and while it wasn't so much consommeish (it had thick veggies in there), it was really delicious and hearty.

Hubby really liked his pork fricasse with carrots that I served him with the mashed new potatoes that came with my blue cheese beef dish. Today, for lunch, I had a pesto beef lasagna for lunch that was excellent, if a tad tad tad salty (prolly the cheese sprinkled on top was to blame for that). It came with a tomato basil onion salad that had a lovely balsamic/basil flavor. The chocolate berry dessert was so good for 70 calories. Mmm.

Been eating a lot of strawberries, too. The harvest right now is huge from Central Florida, so prices are low and berries are sweet. :D  I hope you check for them when you go shopping this week. Good for ya!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Hubby went to get some home repair stuff, and I asked him to pick me up some carrot juice and the new Five Fruit Frenzy smoothie that Jamba Juice has been highlighting as having "five servings of fruit in a 16 oz serving." I asked for the smaller size (in case I'm not wild about it, anyway). It's got strawberries, blueberries, banana, mango, peaches--ye five fruits there--mixed in peach juice, berry juice with ice.  I'm a sucker for mango, so I hope this is numsy.

If ya wanna try it, get a dollar off with a printable coupon until 4/10.

Alive, but not kicking so much...but WANTING to kick. :)

It's been more than two months since I checked in. Whoa. Okay, so...

I've been a slug. Haven't done much of anything I should be doing. Won't go into the whys and wherefores, other than to say I'm having a bit of a midlife event. Hitting the big FIVE OH was more trying than I expected. Even though my birthday celebration and the weeks before and after had some good times (great Valentine's Day, happy party, days off enjoyed with hubby), I still have felt the burden of that number and all it entails in the negative. Yes, I'm not seeing the half-full cup. I'm seeing a cup dribbling out water through cracks caused by time...

Urp. Enough.

So, I got on the scale a few days ago and I had sliipped back into the 270s (271.4). I know a chunk was bloat, so I reweighed today and I was 268.8. But that's still a regain from where I was holding in the lower part of the 260's.

I'm not feeling it. I hate that it takes so much to just get motivated to POST something.

I am having some healthful meals and some not so, but I am making an effort to have more calorie-conscious ones. Here's an example:

This was lunch some days ago (after weighing in high and scaring myself). Clockwise from upper left glass: Coconut water (chilled) to debloat. Mandarin orange cream (a sort of  cross between rice pudding and vanilla yogurt with some orange puree on top, sugar-free and low-cal. Pumpkin spice soup (very low cal). On plate: peas and carrots, basil mashed potatoes, chicken breast in a low-cal creamy lemon sauce (I added more lemon juice). And finally, raspberries and cantaloupe (fresh). All told, it was like 600 calories, little fat, lots of potassium, vitamins, minerals, and some decent fiber. Plus treats for my sweet-tooth.

The meal came from Shapelovers (except the fruit and coconut water). Yesterday, I had their three-cheese spinach lasagna. Today I had a chunky split pea soup (double portion) that came with today's entree (chicken and rice, california medley veggies, mamey flan--which is so nice). Tomorrow, it's Beef Tenderloin in blue cheese sauce. You can see the weekly menu (this week, click to see next week) here.

I notice that tomorrow's dessert is 68 calories. Hm.

I haven't stuck perfectly to their program (no surprise), but it has helped to start putting a curb on the out-of-control chocolate and fast-food fest that got me back in the 270's temporarily. They deliver at 10:30 in the AM roughly, so it forces me to get up early (which I've wanted to do to get more sunlight to improve my mood issues, maybe, cause being on "vampire time" was NOT helping. I never saw the sun hardly, except on my Pilates session days.)

It's amazing to think that come June 30, I will have faithfully doing my Pilates for TWO YEARS. Shoot. That's worth a party. :)

I intend to start Sparking again. I don't feel like it, but I NEED to.

I hate demotivated me. I really do.

Anyway, I also ordered half a dozen electronica/dance/energetic music cds to try and get me up and going. I'm getting desperate to lose this funk. If you're curious what I got, I'll post again about the music. Let me know what music gets you going. Or what else gets you going. Cause I just wanna nap all da time.

A Round-Up of Deals and Tools: Pilates, Pizza Fit'n Free, Holey Donuts, CurlMart, Hungry Girl's List

Well, I think the cloud is finally easing and I'm feeling as if light is coming through the grey. I had still felt blue last week, so much so that I cancelled all my Pilates sessions. But this week, I went Monday and today, and she worked me hard (I think to make up for lost sessions.) It's fine. It's tough, and sometimes midway I think I'm gonna collapse, but we make it through the hour in the end. :) I'm still amazed I've stuck with this for 1 year and 7 months. Me, the exercise hater. But when I have someone telling me, guiding me, encouraging me, pushing me, I like it. Alone, on my own, I end up stuck in inertia. Hate that about me. If you're a big gal in South Florida and you've wanted to try Pilates, but have been afraid cause of size or embarrassment, try one of the gals at The Pilates Room in North Miami Beach. Look for a welcome 3-session special and class pricing here.

If you're a pizza-lover, and want to try a no-fat, no-sugar, low-cal frozen pizza that gets shipped to your house, well, Pizza Fit'n Free has a special promo going on now (for new orders only). Use coupon code "superbowl" and you'll get 10% off yoru order. See their pizzas here. I'll be totally honest and say that I tried these a couple years ago and though they were...dreadful. Very dry, cardboardy, hard crust and skimpy toppings. But I understand that this is catering to an segment of dieters that really want to keep calories low and have to have a pizza fix. Me, I'd rather make a pita pizza with veggies and part-skim mozza and low-cal pizza sauce at home. Tastes better, imo. BUT...lots of points-watchers use these as a craving-killer that doesn't blast the diet like supermarket or delivery pizzas can. One of these pizzas is only 250 calories and you can top it the way you'd like.

Holey Donuts has added Weight Watchers points to their shopping pages (not all donuts I saw had them listed, but most).  For example, the mini cinnamon buns are 2 points each, four donuts holes  are 3 points, one Oreo Boston creme-filled is 4 points, and one strawberry shortcake is 5 points.

I've tried Crum Creek's soy snacks, and they tasted good, though I stopped ordering due to issues with soy. However, if you like a lower-carb pasta and aren't sensitive to soy, you might want to take advantage of Crum Creek's pasta sale. Get 30% off your order of pasta with the promo code "comfort."

 While hair care is not diet-related, it is mood-related to me. A good hair day makes me happier and a bad hair day lowers my joy level, I can tell you. In an effort to go more natural (not just in foods, but in other products), I've turned off the flat iron and blow-dryer (mostly) in favor of air-drying. (See mini-pics of my hair as it is au naturel, air-dried, at left. I'm still recovering from decades of straightening, but my curls will heal.) I've also switched to products that use either all or mostly natural products--oils, emollients, moisturizers, surfactants, etc. I'm a curly haired gal--quite curly. My hair naturally spirals and coils. Since late November, I haven't straightened it. And I've been using some interesting stuff I've sampled from Whole Foods and from Curlmart.  Shop now through February 1 at Curlmart and SAVE 15%. Use coupon code 5DAY15*. They carry lots of curl-friendly hair lines such as the Deva, Curl Junkie, MyHoneyChild, Mop Top, Kinky Curly, Jessicurl, Curly Hair Solutions, etc. If you have been straightening/blowing/flat-ironing and want to go natural with your waves or curls, I highly recommend the NaturallyCurly.com site, forum (CurlTalk), articles, and CurlMart reviews and products.

Hungry Girl has sent out her handy-dandy shopping list. If you want to take a look to see if you can get hints for your own fatfighting list, check out her pdf format list.


I hope there's lot of joy in your life today, and a little less fat. :) Happy Thursday!

Hey, Carnie Wilson! I Really Like Ya, but Ya're Nuts! But then, so am I, I think...Plus, My 2010 Mantras

I'm barely holding on. I'm feeling anxiety attacks on top of the mild depression (and thank God for the mild part). I decided to use this week--as hubby is out of town--to write down some action plans to give me a sense of control and reduce the anxiety attacks. I really need to stop the wafting in a blue haze and just write down some sort of step-by-step to do that will focus me on SOMETHING. I'm so unfocused, it's like my whole body and spirit needs LASIK surgery.

But, hazy as I am, I came upon Carnie Wilson's reality show, UNSTAPLED. I have pretty much been ignoring the tv, but I saw a review on a blog and looked for a re-airing time.

Dang. The gal is baking. Someone, please, take the pans away from her and bar her from the sugar bin. What is with that? That's insanity! INSANITY! That would be like me opening up a Tex-Mex Cafe or a Pizza Joint. Two super-duper weak points for me--the cheesy-tomatoey ethnic fare. If I owned either of those, I'd weighh 900 pounds. No crap!

So, here's a gal with a renowned weight issue and she sets up a baked goods business out of her own home (ie, she can't get away from the scent of sweet treats).

Carnie, stop it now. Find another way, especially since you have TWO gigs on GSN and have no time for hubby. A third job really sounds warped. Live simpler, if you must. (Although, man, as someone facing her own budget crisis here, I wonder how one loses two or three fortunes, given she's the daughter of a rich guy, made millions in music, made millions in talk show. What the hell? )

Whatever. I've heard some "can't stand her" comments, but that's not me. I like Carnie. She's the kind of gal who, if she had gone to school with me or been my neighbor, I'd have wanted for a pal. I find her fun and friendly and huggable. I'd watch her show to see if she finds the balance with hubby, kids, work, and self-actualization.

And I really hope she ditches the baking business. Did I say it's INSANE?

I don't buy the 'if I didn't bake, I'd drink.' I think there are other things she could do to keep herself busy--write music, sing again, take up any non-caloric laden hobby like ceramics or bonsai or a new musical instrument or ballroom dancing or watercoloring or, ya know, spend more time with the kids and let hubby go make some more music.

Or, at minimum, if she has to bake, you know, can't she find a way to make healthful baked goods that are tastier than what is out there--preferably whole grains, no sugar, healthy fats, fruits.

What saddens me is that I find her baking not just a form of self-sabotage, but a form of hostility to a fat society--though I know that's not how she means it, it's how it can be perceived. Creating stuff that tempts a society already fatter than it needs, with diabetes at epidemic levels, is to make a choice that is not productive for a fatfighter's soul. Putting sugar, butter, flour and other ingredients out there for an overweight and obese majority is a form of social dietary pollution.

Do we really need more junk food out there? Does Carnie?

Making pies and sugary treats is not fat-eco. That's what I'll call it (unless it's already been used). It's not "fat green".

Our country is so dietarily polluted in how we grow foods, how we prepare them, how we sell them, how we consume them. Dang...how can we not have fat and health issues?

On the subject of dietaray pollution: Why is she giving her daughter container chocolate milk and container juice? How hard is it to make a fresh glass of choco-milk using organic cocoa, organic milk without hormones and crap her daughter doesn't need, and some agave or honey. Much better for a kid than all the artificial crap and sugar in the premade drinks. And smoothies. Much better than filtered juice that's a sugar rush. Smoothies have fiber and all sorts of good stuff. Or hey, fresh juice with all nutrients intact out of a juicer. She's got a decent-sized kitchen. A blender and juicer--not a big deal. Her daughters: a big deal. Especially if she wants them to avoid the unhealthful food choices mother's made.

I'm such a nag. But hey....

Okay, I don't wanna sound fascist, sorry, or overly judgmental (though, clearly, this is a judgment I'm making), but it's like Carnie going right up against her own philosophy about becoming healthy and reaching a healthy weight. It's belied by her action. And it's like adding to imbalance in her life, not balance. It's like me making a hobby of collecting antiques. As a hoarder, the LAST thing I need is to acquire...anything. I need to de-acquire, heh. I need to surrender the need for this safety net of books and office supplies and paper towels and soup cans and other stuff, the thousands of things that are tying me down, not setting me free.

In the end, I do hope Carnie goes and spends some smoochy time with hubby. He seems like a nice guy and loving poppa, and I'd like to see their marriage endure a lifetime, even if her weight loss does not.

As for me---I need to find my own balance, motivation, action plan.

Like Carnie, I need to get my eyes back on the assorted prizes--saving money for some big expenses coming up, spending less overall to cure my hoarding addiction, and getting back to my spiritual exercises, which have sort of lapsed (okay, not sorta, definitely). Like Katschi of Fitcetera blog, I have clutter issues that need to be addressed. I want a new phase of my life to start with this year--ie, planning for a home sale and a move--but so much needs to be done that it's daunting. Weight loss. Decluttering. Budgeting. Simplifying. Renovation. Repairs.

Makes me want to crawl back under the comforter.

I usually get a word for the year, but my lack of spiritual focus in 2009 meant that I missed that end of year silence and prayer that annually brught my guiding word or phrase. Until I get one from on high later this year--if I do, hope I do--I decided to choose some that seem to fit where I am and what I need most. For 2010, my mantras are:

"Get it done!"
"Lose the Fear!"
"Find the balance!"
"Regain the joy!"

I guess these will count as my belatedly-stated resolutions.

Watching Carnie's show, reading some blogs, looking around my world....I can see I'm not alone in needing those mantras.

Happy 2010 to all fatfighters and hoarers and depressives and anxiety-prone ones. Let's do it!

Gearing Up for a New, Healthier Year--while fighting depressive onset

I had a nice weigh-in Monday: 264.2 A new low.

But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.

Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.

Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."

I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.

I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.

On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.

I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.

I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.

I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.

And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...