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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Gearing Up for a New, Healthier Year--while fighting depressive onset

I had a nice weigh-in Monday: 264.2 A new low.

But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.

Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.

Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."

I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.

I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.

On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.

I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.

I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.

I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.

And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...


Katie J said...

I hear ya on the depression thing. I am coming out of a bout of it myself. I actually increased my meds and that seemed to help.

Hang in there Princess! Here is hoping 2010 is a happy and HEALTHY year for us all!

Bowmanh23 said...

It is those dark winter days! We need some sunshine! I have been going through something myself for no reason. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 6 years and we finally had a baby girl in September. What is there to be depressed about?? Still, sometimes it just comes on. I will pray peace and happines for ya!

All Women Stalker said...

Ohhhh. So that's why you haven't been posting. I get how you're feeling. I have manic depression. And it sucks when the depression sets in. I wish I was in a manic episode all time. Sometimes, it's so hard to ride out. I hope you feel better.

Stephanie said...

Really sorry to hear about your funk. I hope you take really good care of yourself and feel brighter soon.
BODA weight loss

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

I hope things take an upturn for you soon...I've been down in that hole myself and it is a very sad place to be.

I couldn't tell if you are on meds or not, but if you are, sometimes the dosage and/or combination needs to be adjusted (although you probably already know this).

We're here to help pull you out of the quicksand. You're not alone. Hang in there - brighter days are coming!