Main Blog Updated: It's easier to handle the blues and other less easy times in life...when you...

It's easier to handle the blues and other less easy times in life...when you...

Main Blog Updated: A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)

A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)

New Blog Updated: My Award for "Self-analytical Blog Post that Made My Heart Fire Up and a Light Bulb Flash Today" Goes To....

read the new entry at the new blog:

My Award for "Self-analytical Blog Post that Made My Heart Fire Up and a Light Bulb Flash Today" Goes To....

Bloggy Inspiration for Breakfast and Action

Two bloggers inspired me today. One got me to make a yumsy breakfast rather than just settling for the easier (lazier) cheese toast, coffee and fruit. Another has me committed to stepping out the door.

First: Breakfast.  I've been in a bit of a breakfast rut this week, just slapping cheese or ham and cheese between whole wheat bread with coffee and fruit and water. But I saw Poor Girl Eats Well recent blog on Mushroom Fajita omelette  and thought: I WANT THAT NOW! :)

I didn't have all the ingredients on hand her recipe calls for, in fact, I've been in such a funk I've been out of eggs for a week and didn't bother to go shopping for some, but I found a carton of egg whites set to expire in ten days at the back of the fridge. Must have been there a couple months. I had 2% Kraft singles handy. I had portabella mushrooms I picked up at the lil ratty local farmer's market on the way back from Pilates Monday (the market is sad, but it's only one block away from the studio, and I was craving berries). I had half of one sweet onion and half a red pepper left from that Monday market drop-by. And a tomato. That would do nicely.

I sauteed the veggies in a couple teaspoons of EVOO in one small pan, coated another in PAM organic spray (olive oil version) and used that for the egg whites.

Squeezed some of the almost overripe tangerines I had left for fresh juice. Put two slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster oven. Made my fabulous Ethiopian gourmet coffee (freshly ground beans, filtered water).

A feast.  Got four and a half fruits and veggies and a very filling meal for just over 500 calories. Were I in full, gung-ho diet mode, I'd have left out one slice of toast and had less juice. A lot of calories for one meal, some would say, but I find if I skip breakfast or eat a very small one, I tend to pig out crazy at lunch or binge at dinner. I always wake up ravenous. The only one in my family to do so. Hm.

The other inspiring blogger today was Lyn. I could have written about that detachment. About being numb eating and living in the head. I had been doing better, then got all funked down and began doing that again. Here's something she said in today's post:

I feel so very alive now. I see things that need to be done and I embrace the challenge instead of dreading the work. I see the sunshine outside and I want to be out there *in* it... not burying my face in a Big Mac Meal or a computer screen for hours on end. I feel like I have stepped back into the real world. I feel like I have awakened from a decade of detached slumber. I am awake, alive, and present.

After reading that, I decided to have my second cup of coffee, post to the blog, and get dressed and GO OUTSIDE somewhere. At this point, I don't care where. Whole foods to stock up on good stuff. A park. The bookstore to browse and watch people. To make a doctor's appointment. To buy shoes. Don't care. Just get up, shower, get prettied up, put on non-lounging clothes, and live outside the head for a while.

Thanks Poor Girl and Lyn.

How Committed Am I...Are You?

The clock in my soul  is ticking furiously, inexorably...and it sounds like it's saying. HURRY, HURRY. Are you gonna commit?

Am I committed enough to my goals? My weight goal in particular, I'm asked, which, if I don't meet will shorten my life and impede my other goals...

I can't help but be honest. Not much. Some. Some, that's all. I am watchful for parts of the day, but not all. I focus on other things easily. I don't keep up the strategies.

Some. A bit.

Some days, utterly minimally.

It's bothersome to me to be that uncommitted. It's a lack of a certain virtue I desire: perseverance. 

Perseverance is such a lovely word, such a beautiful character attribute. But I really lack it. In more areas than just diet. It goes hand in hand with its virtuous sibling: commitment.

I have several goals that have sat curbside while I dither, while I sink into blues, rise up a bit, sink down, while I fritter, while I dream, while I don't fully commit, while I don't work hourly, by the minute, on persevering in that commitment.. Dreaming is of no use if the action necessary to realize the dream is missing.

I'm missing in ACTION, so literally it's not at all funny. It's tragic.

My "I'm 50" midlife crisis has me really having alternating attacks of regret, nostalgia, anxiety, futurefear, wishing, more nostalgia, frenzied pep talks, depressed naps, more anxiety, self-berating, etc. I'm ridiculous, frankly. It's embarrassing to be so out of it and unfocused and unproductive and NOT MEET GOALS. 

Geesh.

So, why is this question of commitment suddenly on my mind. I got a mail message from  Sparkpeople with it's "Healthy Reflections." Here's it is in case it helps you, makes you think:

Are You Giving Your Goals Your Best Effort?

Your dreams deserve better than a half-hearted effort. Meet your goals with a weak handshake and they'll soon be waving you goodbye. Since you probably don't want to look back on a life full of "almost made it" memories, it's time for total commitment. Leave it all on the field, don't hold anything back. Is there anything more satisfying than pouring out your entire being, straddling the cliff, reaching your total limit, then looking up and realizing that oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-I-really-did-it? And is there anything more tragic than failing and realizing you could have done more? If you feel "tuned out" of your current life, that's okay. Make your first goal to build a life that you can get "in"-to. Then don't look back. Make every day count and live purposefully, live energetically, live completely. 

I don't have enough time left to keep wasting it, ya know. I don't wanna die FAT.

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Die. FAT!

I do not want to die having unrealized four other dreams of mine besides the weight thing.

And the clock keeps ticking....

Alive, but not kicking so much...but WANTING to kick. :)

It's been more than two months since I checked in. Whoa. Okay, so...

I've been a slug. Haven't done much of anything I should be doing. Won't go into the whys and wherefores, other than to say I'm having a bit of a midlife event. Hitting the big FIVE OH was more trying than I expected. Even though my birthday celebration and the weeks before and after had some good times (great Valentine's Day, happy party, days off enjoyed with hubby), I still have felt the burden of that number and all it entails in the negative. Yes, I'm not seeing the half-full cup. I'm seeing a cup dribbling out water through cracks caused by time...

Urp. Enough.

So, I got on the scale a few days ago and I had sliipped back into the 270s (271.4). I know a chunk was bloat, so I reweighed today and I was 268.8. But that's still a regain from where I was holding in the lower part of the 260's.

I'm not feeling it. I hate that it takes so much to just get motivated to POST something.

I am having some healthful meals and some not so, but I am making an effort to have more calorie-conscious ones. Here's an example:

This was lunch some days ago (after weighing in high and scaring myself). Clockwise from upper left glass: Coconut water (chilled) to debloat. Mandarin orange cream (a sort of  cross between rice pudding and vanilla yogurt with some orange puree on top, sugar-free and low-cal. Pumpkin spice soup (very low cal). On plate: peas and carrots, basil mashed potatoes, chicken breast in a low-cal creamy lemon sauce (I added more lemon juice). And finally, raspberries and cantaloupe (fresh). All told, it was like 600 calories, little fat, lots of potassium, vitamins, minerals, and some decent fiber. Plus treats for my sweet-tooth.

The meal came from Shapelovers (except the fruit and coconut water). Yesterday, I had their three-cheese spinach lasagna. Today I had a chunky split pea soup (double portion) that came with today's entree (chicken and rice, california medley veggies, mamey flan--which is so nice). Tomorrow, it's Beef Tenderloin in blue cheese sauce. You can see the weekly menu (this week, click to see next week) here.

I notice that tomorrow's dessert is 68 calories. Hm.

I haven't stuck perfectly to their program (no surprise), but it has helped to start putting a curb on the out-of-control chocolate and fast-food fest that got me back in the 270's temporarily. They deliver at 10:30 in the AM roughly, so it forces me to get up early (which I've wanted to do to get more sunlight to improve my mood issues, maybe, cause being on "vampire time" was NOT helping. I never saw the sun hardly, except on my Pilates session days.)

It's amazing to think that come June 30, I will have faithfully doing my Pilates for TWO YEARS. Shoot. That's worth a party. :)

I intend to start Sparking again. I don't feel like it, but I NEED to.

I hate demotivated me. I really do.

Anyway, I also ordered half a dozen electronica/dance/energetic music cds to try and get me up and going. I'm getting desperate to lose this funk. If you're curious what I got, I'll post again about the music. Let me know what music gets you going. Or what else gets you going. Cause I just wanna nap all da time.

Hey, Carnie Wilson! I Really Like Ya, but Ya're Nuts! But then, so am I, I think...Plus, My 2010 Mantras

I'm barely holding on. I'm feeling anxiety attacks on top of the mild depression (and thank God for the mild part). I decided to use this week--as hubby is out of town--to write down some action plans to give me a sense of control and reduce the anxiety attacks. I really need to stop the wafting in a blue haze and just write down some sort of step-by-step to do that will focus me on SOMETHING. I'm so unfocused, it's like my whole body and spirit needs LASIK surgery.

But, hazy as I am, I came upon Carnie Wilson's reality show, UNSTAPLED. I have pretty much been ignoring the tv, but I saw a review on a blog and looked for a re-airing time.

Dang. The gal is baking. Someone, please, take the pans away from her and bar her from the sugar bin. What is with that? That's insanity! INSANITY! That would be like me opening up a Tex-Mex Cafe or a Pizza Joint. Two super-duper weak points for me--the cheesy-tomatoey ethnic fare. If I owned either of those, I'd weighh 900 pounds. No crap!

So, here's a gal with a renowned weight issue and she sets up a baked goods business out of her own home (ie, she can't get away from the scent of sweet treats).

Carnie, stop it now. Find another way, especially since you have TWO gigs on GSN and have no time for hubby. A third job really sounds warped. Live simpler, if you must. (Although, man, as someone facing her own budget crisis here, I wonder how one loses two or three fortunes, given she's the daughter of a rich guy, made millions in music, made millions in talk show. What the hell? )

Whatever. I've heard some "can't stand her" comments, but that's not me. I like Carnie. She's the kind of gal who, if she had gone to school with me or been my neighbor, I'd have wanted for a pal. I find her fun and friendly and huggable. I'd watch her show to see if she finds the balance with hubby, kids, work, and self-actualization.

And I really hope she ditches the baking business. Did I say it's INSANE?

I don't buy the 'if I didn't bake, I'd drink.' I think there are other things she could do to keep herself busy--write music, sing again, take up any non-caloric laden hobby like ceramics or bonsai or a new musical instrument or ballroom dancing or watercoloring or, ya know, spend more time with the kids and let hubby go make some more music.

Or, at minimum, if she has to bake, you know, can't she find a way to make healthful baked goods that are tastier than what is out there--preferably whole grains, no sugar, healthy fats, fruits.

What saddens me is that I find her baking not just a form of self-sabotage, but a form of hostility to a fat society--though I know that's not how she means it, it's how it can be perceived. Creating stuff that tempts a society already fatter than it needs, with diabetes at epidemic levels, is to make a choice that is not productive for a fatfighter's soul. Putting sugar, butter, flour and other ingredients out there for an overweight and obese majority is a form of social dietary pollution.

Do we really need more junk food out there? Does Carnie?

Making pies and sugary treats is not fat-eco. That's what I'll call it (unless it's already been used). It's not "fat green".

Our country is so dietarily polluted in how we grow foods, how we prepare them, how we sell them, how we consume them. Dang...how can we not have fat and health issues?

On the subject of dietaray pollution: Why is she giving her daughter container chocolate milk and container juice? How hard is it to make a fresh glass of choco-milk using organic cocoa, organic milk without hormones and crap her daughter doesn't need, and some agave or honey. Much better for a kid than all the artificial crap and sugar in the premade drinks. And smoothies. Much better than filtered juice that's a sugar rush. Smoothies have fiber and all sorts of good stuff. Or hey, fresh juice with all nutrients intact out of a juicer. She's got a decent-sized kitchen. A blender and juicer--not a big deal. Her daughters: a big deal. Especially if she wants them to avoid the unhealthful food choices mother's made.

I'm such a nag. But hey....

Okay, I don't wanna sound fascist, sorry, or overly judgmental (though, clearly, this is a judgment I'm making), but it's like Carnie going right up against her own philosophy about becoming healthy and reaching a healthy weight. It's belied by her action. And it's like adding to imbalance in her life, not balance. It's like me making a hobby of collecting antiques. As a hoarder, the LAST thing I need is to acquire...anything. I need to de-acquire, heh. I need to surrender the need for this safety net of books and office supplies and paper towels and soup cans and other stuff, the thousands of things that are tying me down, not setting me free.

In the end, I do hope Carnie goes and spends some smoochy time with hubby. He seems like a nice guy and loving poppa, and I'd like to see their marriage endure a lifetime, even if her weight loss does not.

As for me---I need to find my own balance, motivation, action plan.

Like Carnie, I need to get my eyes back on the assorted prizes--saving money for some big expenses coming up, spending less overall to cure my hoarding addiction, and getting back to my spiritual exercises, which have sort of lapsed (okay, not sorta, definitely). Like Katschi of Fitcetera blog, I have clutter issues that need to be addressed. I want a new phase of my life to start with this year--ie, planning for a home sale and a move--but so much needs to be done that it's daunting. Weight loss. Decluttering. Budgeting. Simplifying. Renovation. Repairs.

Makes me want to crawl back under the comforter.

I usually get a word for the year, but my lack of spiritual focus in 2009 meant that I missed that end of year silence and prayer that annually brught my guiding word or phrase. Until I get one from on high later this year--if I do, hope I do--I decided to choose some that seem to fit where I am and what I need most. For 2010, my mantras are:

"Get it done!"
"Lose the Fear!"
"Find the balance!"
"Regain the joy!"

I guess these will count as my belatedly-stated resolutions.

Watching Carnie's show, reading some blogs, looking around my world....I can see I'm not alone in needing those mantras.

Happy 2010 to all fatfighters and hoarers and depressives and anxiety-prone ones. Let's do it!

Gearing Up for a New, Healthier Year--while fighting depressive onset

I had a nice weigh-in Monday: 264.2 A new low.

But I'm also mentally fighting off the clear onset of a depressive episode. I have sensed something off for about a month (notice I'm not posting much, either). I felt draggy, but my thyroid check showed it was totally fine. I was sleeping more and more and avoiding activities. I didn't even do my holiday cards this year. My bills piled up and, though I had plenty in the checking account to pay them, I kept putting of paying them cause I felt...totally lacking in motivation to do ANYTHING. I barely made it through the holidays without totally bumming out. But I didn't feel great holiday cheer, despite a really nice family gathering with roast pig and the Cuban-American works.

Since Christmas, all I wanna do is sleep. I'm in total avoidance mode. I can feel the blanket coming over my spirit. Sucks.

Sometimes, whatever weird mechanism is involved in this physiology of mine that's made me have recurring episodes of depression since I was, er, about nine years old, well, sometimes it just short circuits and I return to feeling okay, which is why I try to rule out other stuff before I think, "Ah, the blue funk is coming on."

I'm hoping for a big crash and return to normal. Two years without depression has been very, very nice. I want to start the year joyful, not like a limp rag.

I finally told hubby yesterday to get cracking on praying for my mood. I didn't want to worry him, but even he's noticed I'm not quite bubbly and I'm not waking up until well past sundown. And the place is getting to critical clutter mass, cause I can't be bothered to put stuff away.

On the diet side, it was going decently, if not zippily (holding and a little loss, holding and a little loss). But depression makes me less active and makes me want endless supplies of serotonin-inducing carbs. I have been this way for almost two weeks, fighting off (or not fighting off) the endless desire for farina, macaroni, grits, toast, cookies, mashed potatoes, chips, fries (and I so rarely eat those, but I've had them 3 times this month)...anything to churn carbs into my system.

I don't want to lose ground, not in weight and not in happiness. I've had a happy year and I want a happier New Year.

I'm thinking positive. I'm gonna focus on the good and work had to get my body to refuse this round of blues. I will, I will, I will.

I WILL...have a healthy and "lighter" New Year.
I WILL...see great things to come. I WILL.

And I will wish a healthy and Happy New Year for everyone. May it be so...

Pondering a Derailment, Praying for Progress

I have not been on plan. I have no diet mojo. I have head mojo--as in "I know"--and I have desire mojo--as in "I want"--but the will is not cooperating. The will is rebellious. And I'm a spoiled brat.

I say this because I'm just not putting effort into this weight loss thing, and I have not been consistent or focused or goal-oriented. I've been floating and feeling defeated.

So, it's time to ponder this derailment of my goals/objectives, eating plan. Only my exercise has been consistent and that's suffering from my lethargy of will and body. This week, due to the holiday and my birthday on Friday, I only have one scheduled session instead of two. But I'm back to three next week, so that's a temporary blip.

I remain on the verge of depression. I can feel that weird apathy crawling upon me that makes me want to sleep a lot, eat a lot, and not do much else--not errands, not chores, not even happy stuff. Hubby was off this weekend, and he offered to take me here, there, everywhere, and I never even got dressed once until Monday. I even said no to a Valentine's Day outing--though he was willing to do or go wherever I wanted, no matter the cost. And my sister is still waiting to hear what I want to do for my birthday, and I keep saying, "I don't know," cause nothing sounds inviting--not a picnic, not a barbecue, not a party, not a beachfest, nothing. I feel like a pile of gray putty, like the immoveable object.

This is not an "I give up" post, btw. This is an "I know I'm in doodoo, in the pit, and I'm talking this out publicly and trying to figure out why I am my own saboteur, why this stupid cloud of the blues wants to rain on my parade, why I can't pick myself up and move forward."

But of course, I could. That's the thing. I feel defeated, but I'm only defeated if I remain where I am, just coasting and letting illness, lethargy, and depression BE MY LIFE.

It can't be my life. Why am I not fighting? I want to be a warrior against all these odds!

Anyway, hubby is going out of town tomorrow. I get to have the whole day to assemble what forces I have remaining and take a stand against all internal and external foes.

I want to be like those women in Ladies Home Journal and other magazines that you see as the AFTER story, who went after their dreams with focus (whether it was a career goal, a weight goal, a family goal, etc) and are photographed smiling and triumphant. I'd like to get to THIS GOAL, among others, but yes, THIS GOAL. The reason I started this blog.

I know I'm not alone in this sort of rut, frustration, backsliding, failure, call it what you will. But it's a painful thing to feel as if I'm the one sliding away from myself. I'm the one who is my own enemy, and I'm allowing it.

I'm allowing it.

All the reasons/excuses I can mount up don't measure up. I'm allowing it.

People with bigger obstacles than mine have made progress. It's not impossible.

But I'm allowing the obstacles to get to me.

Okay, big whine over. I will go to bed. I will get up to say bye to my traveling sweetie. I will work to make Tuesday better than Monday, and I will look into that place where wants and will meet and talk to that stubborn, defeated, depression-plagued part of me is aching to make progress.

Tomorrow--er, today--is gonna be a prayer day.

I'll also keep in mind Kate, who is at this moment away from home to have her WLS. At this moment, feeling leaden and slow and out of fuel, even gastric bypass doesn't seem as offputting and drastic as it usually does to me; perhaps that's because of this weight of frustration, perhaps that's because it seems easier than the daily struggle with appetite. But I know when I'm rested and myself again, I'll fear that surgery again and nix it as an option, even though I've seen many good results, even though I understand why it's a necessary option, even though I keep it in the back of my own mind as an option. The last one. I hope Kate's results are great. She deserves it.

And I hope those of us doing it without WLS or other surgical interventions, those of us going it solo, so to speak, do a bit better today, just a bit better, week by week.

God help us all who travel on our various journeys.

Oh, and I welcome prayers. Yes, indeed, I do.

Cause I'm not giving up...

X-Weighted and Marichu

This is a repeat episode from 2007, but it does show what being a junk food/take-out junkie will do to your body. Both Anthony and Marichu (the Mrs.) were obese. They were also clearly feeling the damage to one's self-esteem that so often comes with being so large.

Marichu had to deal with clutter issues, and not just body clutter--house clutter. (I'm a hoarder, so I know of clutter .) And you could see that the pain of change was weighing on her as much as her fat. She was very weepy and her face was this harrowing mask of depression. Hard to watch.

She couldn't even celebrate her 32 pound loss at the mid-point weigh-in (at three months). Honey, 32 pounds in 3 months is a VERY good weight loss rate. Are you kidding me?

I wanted to slap her.

But I realize that she felt she was working so hard that she should have lost, I dunno, 50?

Not how it works. Fat comes on as easy as pie, goes off harder than heck.

It's such a shame she couldn't jump up and down with joy for that 32 lb loss. I got so tired of hearing, "Was it worth it?" Yeah. If you didn't gain, if you lost, it's worth it, cause not doing anything, girl, just makes you FATTER.

I should add her hubby was also not celebratory over losing 36 lbs in 3 months. What is with these people? Do they have SAD or something?

At the end, they both lost big, looked better, made inroads into making their lives more vital and enjoyable. Marichu in part did this by passing her second attempt at her lifeguard test (she failed 3 of 4 tests the first time). And Anthony did it by engaging in kickboxing and realizing he'd been so miserable for years, but that he could be happy again. (Marital issues came to the fore, as it's bound to when people start to assess and make changes to their lives.)

It was really great to see Marichu and Anthony both look so much more alive--their faces no longer tragic masks. And the kids now have so much of a better shot at NOT becoming as obese as their parents, as they learn to cook healthful meals and learn to enjoy fruits and veggies, instead of just consuming fast food fare.

Final tally: Marichu lost 66 lbs (originally weighed 245, ended up at 179) and a total of 26 inches. Anthony lost 63 pounds (original weighed 347) and a total of 22 inches. Man, she beat him. How 'bout that?

At the finale, Marichu was able to glow and smile and show elation. She looked great after the makeover (hair and clothes). The frumpy, uberwhiny, hangdog-faced depressed housewife was gone. The Girl was back!

Nice.

Now, that was 2007 the show first aired (and I don't know if that means the weight loss occurred in 2006 or 2007). But I would like to know how they're doing now. Have they lost more? Have they maintained? Have they regained?

One thing I hate about these weight loss programs--X-Weighted, You Are What You Eat, to a lesser extent The Biggest Loser--is that they don't do adequate follow-up. As a viewer, I'm interested in what happens when real life strikes.

After all, the ranch is not real life. It's...intervention. It's...treatment.

I'd like regular follow-ups of ALL the contestants to see the ones who succeeded AFTER the show ends. The ones who keep it off, they're the ones to learn from, frankly. But I think it's important to see the ones who do not succeed in maintaining, because we learn from that, too. I know the first TBL follow-up was too upbeat and felt like a whitewash. Subsquent ones reported online were less slanted.

While I don't know how this couple is continuing to do, if her facebook photo is anything to go by, Marichu is doing great and looking faboo. Gives a gal hope. :)

I think one of the good things of shows like this one is the clear depiction of how losing weight can impact so much of a person's life. Fat gets in the way. I know that fat-acceptance folks mean really well. But fat gets in the way of doing so much, of going places, of feeling able to stretch into new avenues. I know fat encapsulates me in more ways than the physical.

Marichu's story--and Anthony's--show how getting leaner and stronger opens doors to living.

~

UPDATE: The original Anthony/Marichu show re-aired today (I watched part while having a snack), and I thank Beth for giving the heads-up in the comments section about an update. If you are curious about what happened to this couple AFTER the show, go here and scroll down for the follow-up info.

Trying to Add More Activity Into My Life: A State Park Stroll and Swimming is Next

Since I'm still struggling so badly with the caloric containment, I figure I ought to at least work on increasing the movement aspect. I have strength training and flexibility going well with my 3x a week Pilates personal training. I definitely feel stronger and my muscles are firmer.

After nearly 2 decades of being a total couch potato--from bed to chair to sofa to bed, with maybe a few hundred steps taken a day, unless I had errands to run--this is a wonderful difference. I don't want to lose the habit of moving. I know, from all the stats, that I need to move more. Obese folks who are serious about losing fat and keeping weight off tend to have to exercise MORE than normal. That means an hour or more five or more days a week. I'm up to three.

I need more.

The big, fat gaping hole in my exercise plan is not my mouth, it's cardio. I am not working on the sort of movement that gets the heart up to target zone and keeps it there long enough to really get the heart strong. As a person at risk of heart attack and stroke, I need to do that. NEED, not necessarily want.

The main obstacle has been and is my bum left knee, and now my recently-becoming bum right one, and possibly early arthritic left hip (it aches a lot and requires mucho stretching mornings). Being fat is murder on one's lower body joints. Just wears those babies out. Doing anything that requires walking, stepping, etc, in any sort of brisk pace scares me. I do not want to be injured and off my feet.

Fear aside, I did get in about 2 hours of strolling on Saturday. My sis, hubby and I went to Oleta River State Park, which is close to my house. Less than a five-minute drive. I've lived in this neighborhood 11 years and never have visited. That's cause I never was trying to be active, and this is a park frequented by "mountain" bikers, hikers, nature enthusiasts, kayakers and the such. But we went, walked around to see if it would be a good place for my birthday party next month. In all, I was on my feet and moving for a little over two hours, but not at a cardio pace. Still, I was quite happy to get some fresh air, sun, dip my hands into a creek, walk along the small beach, smell the barbecue from assorted family parties, and catch sight of vultures, hawks, seagulls, pelicans (including one curious one with "blonde" feathers on his head), other birds I don't know by name, and, best of all, no snakes or gators. :D When one is obese, any activity is a plus. Saturday was an activity plus for me.

It's also my first outing in shorts (other than for a quick to/fro to my Pilates) in a long, long time. Behold a morbidly obese, middle-aged woman with a gargantuan messenger bag:



My junior high nickname was "Red." My love of red has not abated, as you can see.

As I normally avoid cameras, it must have seemed odd to my hubby that I was like, "Take a pic for the blog!" I said, "Do I look stupid?" He said, "No, you look very happy." I said, "I AM HAPPY!"

I was, too. Which must mean that the funk that was brewing was more related to the stress of having been ill for weeks, rather than a real depression. It has been lifting, off and way. Hurrah! (I am still sleeping 12 hours, so it's not completely gone, or I'm not completely over the physical draining of the illness. Either way, it's a good sign that I can feel happy.)

Back to "being active":

I did a brave, brave thing. Yes, I ordered two bathing suits. Whoa. And goggles. And a swim cap, which will guarantee I'll be the dorkiest swimmer in the city.

There's a pool one block away I've never used. I figure I might try to just paddle around for 20 to 30 mins a couple times a week (when the chill passes) and get my heart rate up without taxing my knees and hip. I haven't been in a pool in more than 20 years. I'm a little anxious about it, especially being in a suit in public. Ick.

I remember when I wouldn't go out without sleeves. Last year, I got over that and have worn a lot of sleeveless camisoles and empire tops out. I did it at first just cause I was exercising and it was my workout wear for Pilates. Later, it was my way of staying cool during hot flashes. Now, while I am still not fully comfortable with my fat flappy arms being exposed, I got over the terror of doing it. One step...

Some of my goals for overcoming fears for the year are water-related: 1. learn to swim properly, rather than just barely/poorly 2. to get over my fear of doing activities on the water, like canoeing or kayaking and 3. to lose enough weight to fit into a kayak so I can get over that fear and 4 to lose enough weight that I can fearlessly wear a skirtless bathing suit.

I've lived in the Sunshine State for 35 years come June, and I really should get to the point where I can take advantage of all this sun and water.

Dontcha think?

What brave thing will you do this year that your fat has kept you from doing?

Let's work toward it!
~~

Getting Proactive and "Fruitful"

Although every bit of me wanted to nap, I got my car keys and went to CVS and treated myself to a lipstick and a lip gloss--both a super-cheery pinkish color-- and a woman's magazine and some sugarless Orbit gum.

Because of my slump, I ate crappy for lunch. I know, no excuse, but there you have it. I went for the full fat comfort food at KFC--original recipe two-piece white meat with mashies and cole slaw and corn and a biscuit. Yikes.

So, after CVS, I headed to Julio's Natural Foods and bought enough for three to four meals. I got lentil soup, a baked sweet potato, a mixed greens salad with olives and mozzarella with a balsamic vinaigrette on the side, brown rice, grilled veggie assortment, and a cucumber/yogurt salad with dill. I also got a quart of carrot juice, a quart of papaya and soymilk (which is nice for breakfast), and a quart of Green Goddess smoothie, which has celery/spinach/romaine/cucumber/cilantro/parsley/lime juice/fresh greeen apple juice all mixed together. I also got a 16 oz one with tropical fruits called Cancun. This way, I don't have to think about cooking. I don't have to vex about going to the grocery store. It's there when I'm hungry or thirsty.

Hubby is out of town, so it's me rattling around in the house, telling myself to buck up.

I'm gonna have some Cancun now.

Thanks for the encouraging comments. :*

Facing Down Another Funk

Sorry, y'all. I am trying hard here to face up to and battle another slide into the blue. Ironically, it was one year ago this month that I came out of a roughly 5 year long depression. I couldn't believe how good it felt to feel normal. It made it possible for me to start Pilates with some vim and hope.

This month, I'm feeling that flatness come again. Damn.

My head feels like it's full of fog, my joy has taken a dive, and I find it hard to do simple grooming. (I didn't wash my hair for 8 days just cause the prospect of blow-drying it was daunting.) Perhaps the weeks of allergies and asthma are the cause, and it's not really so much a clinical depression looming, but just my body stressed by illness. Could be. I hope. That means I'll return to normal soon.

I have no desire to do anything, not even blog, to be honest. I just want to go sleep--which is not good.

So, I went by the pool that's a block away to find out about water aerobics, hoping that adding more exercise (though I don't wanna) will help with the mood thing. Of course, it was closed. Holiday. Stupid me. :-/

Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow. I don't want to just sink into another dark epoch. Had enough of that.

But really, just typing this is making me feel tired.

Sucks.

I Done Went AWOL Again, Didn't I?

So, nearly a month in absentia. My bad.

I really at first just got busy. Then I got lazy. Then I got scared. I mean, I haven't been on the scale in two weeks.

Today, at my Pilates class, the teacher said I looked great and have I been on the scale lately. I said, "No, cause I think I gained." She says I look slimmer, but that may just be the tightening effect of exercise. I know I have been eating way more than I should, and I have not been weighing, blogging, journaling, or anything other than being slacker-bad.

But, here I am. Before Christmas, hoping to manage the upcoming feasts with some fatfighting panache.

My weigh-in day is supposed to be Sundays, so I'll post a number then. I'm really just not up to weighing tomorrow. I still feel anxiety. :P

On the plus side: I've been--weight anxiety aside--very chipper, happy, up. I mean, one day I actually woke up SINGING. Just so happy, I was singing. I dunno what my hormones are doing, but I hope they keep this up. (And it's doing wonders for my sex drive, too.) It's such a relief from the previous years of depression. Even when the depression lifted in January, I never woke up singing. :)

So, hello, 2009, as you approach. May you be my best year yet!

BTW, on the movement front: I also may take up some Asian drumming. I have always had such a weak upper body, and it shows in Pilates, where shoulder/arm work just kills me, that hubby and I may try to do this together. (He's already a great dummer/percussionist, but he's never done the big Asian drums.) I figure it's a hobby that makes you move, and burn calories. Good.

I also have taken up bowling. We've only gone twice, and I suck beyond suckage at it (think a score of 51 average), but I intend to get better. This is another effort at doing stuff with hubby that makes us GET UP, rather than just sit and snuggle with the television. Movement. I'm after more movement in my life, with the hope that less eating will follow.

Portion control. My nemesis. I will defeat you.

Anyhow, that's my update. I'm moving more. I'm happy. I've added dozens of new lip glosses to my collection (I tend to buy lip gloss when I'm happy. Dunno why? Maybe to accent my persistent grin.) I'm looking forward to making this holiday season a happier and healthier one than last year's.

Over the coming days, I hope to catch up with the blogs of my fatfighting comrades. I have dropped by Lyn's, and I hope everyone goes over to hug her. She's having a major life transition. Let's give her all our support.

I hope the rest of you are doing well. I know that I'm looking forward to January 5, so that I can join Oprah in her quest to lose weight (again). She had gotten down to my own dream goal weight (160), and she looked so great, remember? The abs and all. Now, even at 200, I think she looks very good. But I understand how important it is for her to nip this before she gains it ALL back. Go, Oprah.

And go, US!

(Whoa, sorry for rambling all over the place. I had 4 espressos!)
~

Depression and Weight and Blogging and Prayer and Clementines and Joy...

Shoot. I've been gone over two weeks. Sorry...again.

I started falling into another spell under the dark cloud, which doubly bummed me out, because I had come out of a very extended clinical depression this past January. It had been nice feeling normal all these months, pretty happy, often joyful, just normal.

So, for a couple weeks, I've been sleeping and feeling flat and ignoring chores like grocery and house cleaning. I had a few clusters of no-showering days, too, which is gross to go 3 or 4 days sans shower. But that is always one of the signs I'm in the blues--lack of energy to do squat, even wash my hair. And the sleeping too much. And the not blogging. And even not reading my Bible or praying, which is the worst thing to do for a religious person--stray from essential spiritual disciplines.

I started feeling that self-loathing, too.

Getting on the scale and seeing 277.6 didn't help. I wanted to cry, just cry, at gaining those pounds when I was close to getting into the 260s.

Two days ago, I felt so distressed about falling into another deep pit and regaining what cost me so much to lose, that the first thing I did when I woke up, lethargic and blue, was drop naked on my knees by my bed and pretty much beg for help out of the shadowland. I just didn't want to go there again, not this soon. I'd lost 4 years to depression this millenium, and I refused to just let it take another 4.

So, I prayed, I showered, and I read a Psalm, some I Corinthians, and recited the Apostle's Creed. And I said no to the daily dessert splurge I'd been using as medication. I called hubby at work and asked him to stop by the market and get me some papaya, clementines, plums, mushrooms, melon, and salad fixings.

The next day, I prayed again, and then I hauled my butt to Pilates. I hadn't been doing well with my exercises (to my estimation), cause I felt so low in the energy. It was excruciating to do anything. But though I wanted to cancel, I got dressed with my stinky unwashed-for-four-days hair and got through it. I did much better than the sessions the week before. After my session, I went to the farmer's market and filled a basket with fruits and fresh veggies to help me resume my healthful eating plan.

That was yesterday.

Today, I started to feel like the cloud was lifting. I did't feel dark blue, more like turquoise (lighter, prettier). I felt more energy. I COOKED! The first time I made dinner in over two weeks.

Today, the scale said 273.6. Four pounds off in a couple days.

I know that eating fruits and veggies and eating home-cooked meant less sodium, so I'm debloating. It helps. I feel less uncomfy in my skin.

I know there is a connection between depression and obesity--as my endocrinologist mentioned more than once trying to get me to take antidepressants. Here's an article about it:

People who are depressed may be more likely to become obese because of physiological changes in their hormone and immune systems that occur in depression. Also, they have more difficulty taking good care of themselves because of symptoms and consequences of depression, such as difficulty adhering to fitness regiments, overeating, and having negative thoughts.

Tell me about the difficulties. If I haven't got the initiative to take a 10 minute shower, it's damn for sure I'm not inclined to spend 30-to-45 minutes cooking a healthy meal or spend twenty minutes walking round the block!

I'm sure we've all heard how exercise is shown to help depression. The fact that I kept up the Pilates (only cancelled one class when my stomach rebelled and I got the runs) I think helped, too, to keep me from falling all the way over the cliff:

Treatments such as exercise and stress reduction can help to manage both obesity and depression at the same time. Potentially, dieting, which can worsen mood, and antidepressants, which can cause weight gain, should be minimized.

I certainly minimized dieting. But that was effect, rather than proactive.

My Pilates instructor really stressed how she wanted me to get into some regular aerobic activity. She is very gung-ho that this will help regulate my mood. I'm sure it will help. I went for a very short walk, ran into neighbors, got into two conversations. Not much aerobic stuff, but I felt lighter in spirit just from chatting. I got to share another pack of my South Beach Living whole grain, high fiber tortillas with one neighbor, who loved them when I gave her a pack a few months ago. (I ordered by the case.)

I've spent time in the last couple days researching local therapists. We're gonna switch insurance (again, dang)in January due to employer decision. I'd like to see if they cover treatment for depression and eating disorders of the therapy sort, rather than the drug sort. I'd like to take advantage. If they don't, we'll have to find a way to pay out of pocket for at least one sesson a week. If it means one less Pilates session a week, then so be it. But like dear Lyn, I know I need to get that kind of help. I do think my mood issues are at root a huge part of my eating issues, and as the article states, we who have these problems need treatment that's coordinated, addressing both:

"The treatment of depression and obesity should be integrated," the authors conclude. "This way, healthcare providers are working together to treat both conditions, rather than each in isolation."

If you also suffer from depression issues that impact your obesity situation, see if your insurer (if you have one) can pay for you to visit a therapist that has experience with BOTH depression and obesity, or who will integrate with a nutritionist or other specialist to get a holistic approach. It's all related.

So, I'm struggling, but the moment when I got on my knees and asked my Creator for help made some change. Some would say it's not God, but rather simply my own internal voice or will determining change. Each will analyze it as they choose. Me...I believe it was God. For whatever reason, my cry got heard this time.

I know, intellectually, that I'd do well to get on my knees about this issue first thing every day. Consistency ain't my strong suit, sadly, but I saw a big change in my mood from THAT moment, so I'll honor God by believing He brought freshness and light into the stifling and dark threshold of a depressive episode.

I've dealt with depression for 40 years. You'd think I'd have a better system of coping mechanisms, know what to do right off to minimize the damage. But depression is a sneaky mother, and you wake up and all vim is gone, all vision is bleak, and strategy seems beyond you. Just goes to show how debilitating some things can be.

On, the happy side: Clementines have been lovely. I wouldn't be surprised if those sweet babies have been therapeutic. Not just the vitamin C and all, but that bright, bursting sweetness. Man, go and have some clenmentines today. Don't miss this gift nature offers. Yum.

And for all those who left comments asking about me, thanks. I apologize for disappearing this month, but I am so grateful to be remembered.

Be happy today! Eat well. Move. Pray. Laugh. Sing. Dance. Give a gift to someone. Call a pal. BE HAPPY!

A few verses on joy to close out:

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24 NIV

…let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.
I Chronicles 16:10-11 NIV

These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
John 15:11 KJV

~

Pilates Workout Recap--plus Work-Out Wear Purveyors for the Big Gals

Yesterday was my fourth session. I'm getting used to constantly being in this state of soreness--worst the day after, but always a low-level sort of awareness that muscles are waking up, getting used. I rather like it.

My energy level and mood has improved A LOT. I kid you not.

Just two weeks of working out and I'm so much more chipper and bouncy. I even asked hubby to take a turn around the block with me--and I haven't done that in...I can't remember! It helped that it was a lovely early evening, warm, but not oppressive, breezy, beautiful summer evening light at 7pm. The royal poincianas are in bloom (as are my hibiscus and gardenia bush) and it was just so pretty out there in the calm of the late day.

So, what did we do today exercise-wise: We worked on both the reformer and the Cadillac. Core muscle work, especially inner thigh and abs and glutes. And some arm work on the Cadillac. She worked me hard, too. I had to stop a couple of times when I got to muscle fatigue (particularly inner thighs, which still hate me). But it was a great session, and I felt really good when she complimented my focus and effort. Trust me, the time goes sooo fast (55 minutes straight) because I'm all concentrating on breath, position, and the sheer hard effort needed to get in those stretched and contracted positions with control and smoothness.

I am not so hot at control or smoothness yet, obviously, but I always see improvement as the repetitions add up (ie, getting better as I get coordinated with the inhale/exhale and motions). It really is great for making you concentrate, no kidding. No mindless exercising at The Pilates Room.

My trainer, Liza, did suggest I put in my cardio work on non-Pilates days. That will be harder for me, as anything that is weight-bearing messes with my left knee, which is gimpy. But she and I agree a bike would be good, and she'll be giving thought to what else would work with my messy left knee.

If any of you are wondering what the heck a size 24/26/28/3X gal wears to do this sort of stuff, I got my outfits at various online places:

Danskin (Plus) The cotton lycra bootleg pants are non-binding and hugely comfortable. I wear them on errands and to casual get-togethers with my family. So soft. I also like their racer back tank, which allows me to get full arm movement with no binding. (I use a racer-back sports bra from Glamorise with this.) Wish they had some happy summer colors! I also like their leggings. However, with leggings, I like to use something with a slightly softer fit around the hips, like a great top from...

Old Navy (Plus) I got mad at Old Navy when they took the "fat gal" clothes out of the stores and put them exclusively online. Well, after a couple years of pique, I came across that very plus size section and found a TERRIFIC top for summer. It's a racer back tank (they all it diamond back), and it's cool, it's soft, and it's perfect for my Pilates workout. The fit is close enough for the instructor to see if I'm doing my breathing and imprinting and etc, but loose enough so I can wear long leggings without looking like a hootchie mama or a deranged woman. I like them with Old Navy's very comfy yoga capri leggings and their terrific yoga pants, too. Hubby thought the diamond back top was sexy. Heh. And I wore it to Starbucks and didn't feel weird with my arms exposed. Maybe the purple color gave me courage. :) (I think I bought the last purple one, but they have green and black, looks like.)

Junonia--much more expensive than Old Navy, but they only carry clothing for us large gals. They do have workout wear of thicker, longer-lasting, high-quality fabrics (including Quik-wik), but wait for a sale or find a promotional coupon online.

In case you are unaware of the "Promotional code" or "coupon code" treasure hunt (I use it all the time), just google up a store you want to buy from online (like Lane Bryant) and then use the terms "promotional code" or "coupon code" or a variation along with it. If there is a current promo, many sites (like Coupon Cabin) will offer you the codes for free. I used one for my Old Navy purchase and got 20% extra off clearance items.

Just about all my workout stuff (and I have a lot) come from those places above. Feel free to comment with any leads on good plus size workout wear (especially affordable wear) for me and this blog's readers.

Anyway, I expect to be pretty darn sore--more sore, I should say--tomorrow. But it's good!

Easter Challenge: Feeling Really Good, Minor Change on the Scale

I've been feeling great for a couple days! I woke up feeling completely myself yesterday. No residual blue cloud. No flat affect. I've been singing for days, but I was really singing yesterday. And instead of sleeping 14-17 hours a day, I'm sleeping between 6-8. That's a great sign all by itself. I'm back!

I went out for the first time in...er...a while, too. And I laughed and felt normal.

It really was like a resurrection--going from the blues to the light. Out of the fricken cave of depression.

Anyway, hubby and I picked up my middle sis (who was in the neighborhood shopping) and went for a scenic drive down Miami Beach, all the way to South Beach, then came back Northward and had lunch at a nice Peruvian restaurant called ADRIANA'S(very pleasant ambiance and cool tableware--all slanty and white) in the small, retro town of Surfside. The weather was impeccable, cool even, with nice breezes. While I had a less than great choice for appetizer (fried cassava croquettes with cheese inside and a Peruvian cheese sauce drizzled, served in the cutest possible green glass tray with small circular depressions for each mini-ball). They were fabulous. I had a healthy organic salad with greens, cukes, tomatoes, and shredded white meat chicken and balsamic vinaigrette for my entree. I did sample my sister's pumpkin ravioli. Mmm. No dessert. Two skim milk lattes with Splenda and a glass of Pinot Grigio.

I enjoyed it very much and without a dang ounce of guilt.

And in the NSV department: I fit into my Tamotsu tunic. I had bought this really elegant long-sleeved black textured tunic by the designer Tamotsu. The tag was $285, but I got it for 1/5th the retail price. That was a few years back. I didn't fit. I bought it as an incentive tunic: I'll wear it when I lose weight. Only I didn't lose weight and it didn't fit, refused to go below my hips.

Yesterday, on a whim, I tried it on (due to the cooler weather), and it fit! So, I wore it out. And I was a bit too energetic later in the day in the ladies room and yanked it too hard--tearing the seam. It's at the seamstress getting reseamed. But dang. It fit. I was so happy!!!

I tried some other "when I lose weight" Tamotsu pieces I splurged on (three jackets, one dress, one panstsuit), and some are on their way to fitting. Almost there. :)

So, back to the outing: After we went to the west part of town to take sis home, we came back to the east part and I did some shopping at Whole Foods for items that my organic grocer who delivers either didn't have or I forgot to order. I wish they had a nice flavored sugar-free organic yogurt (I enjoy the flavors of Stonyfield's low-fat version, but I'd prefer not having the sugar).

Today, I got my organic produce delivery.

Let me put it this way, between Whole Foods yesterday and the delivery today, I've spent 450 on this week's groceries. I just about died when I stopped to add it all up. But, if this is what it took to get my body healing, so be it. Part of it is trying new stuff and discovering what I like. (Not crazy about grass fed ground beef. Sorry. Organic chicken breasts: yum.). I discovered I much prefer watercress to Romaine, so I've been buying less Romaine as my all-purpose lettuce, and let hubby eat it--unless I've got a Caesar salad craving--and just make myself either an arugula or a watercress salad daily. I have been eating a lot of fruits and veggies (12-14 a day). I've been getting nice amounts of fiber (most days more than 30, some days more than 50. Depends how much legumes I have or high-fiber bread.)

I have not been keeping to calories. In order to feed my body to get out of this current health funk/depression, I just eat when I'm hungry and eat lots of raw or minimally cooked produce. I've been snacking on nuts--I have a severe sensitivity to seafood, so I can't eat fish omega 3, therefore I rely on walnuts and flax-- and have my daily ration of dark chocolate. (The Sunspire chocolate covered almonds are amazing. That's an indulgence worth the calories. MmMmm.)

As I said, feeling good. My creativity is back. My mind is good. I can focus on reading again (hadn't read for WEEKS for any length of time due to a wandering mind and lack of focus). And my eyebrows have filled in again. (They'd gone half-bald.) My hair looks good. I hope my skin follows (I have always had problems with acne.)

Hubby is happy that there's food ready for him and it's not take-out. (He was used to brining dinner home, or going out to pick it up, or we calling in a delivery). I've been making a high-fiber, lower-fat spinach lasagna for him (he loves meat lasagna and normally had it once a week). It's great cause there's always leftovers that make for one lunch for work for him and another meal for us both minimum. He also loves the organic potatoes, so I bake a couple and give him a stuffed one for lunch, save one for another day (or make it as a breakfast potato.)

I need to learn to make some great bean soups. I often crave legumes (I grew up eating them nearly every day). I think one recipe each of black bean, kidney bean, garbanzo, red lentil, white bean (or a pasta fabiole), and one good pea soup will keep me happy for ages and ages. I could literally have a bean soup for a meal EVERY DAY. It's comfort food to me.

Anyway, just to report that going heavy on the produce and raw stuff has helped. I need to learn how to stretch the dollars, choose wisely. The trying stuff phase needs to wind down to the "weekly order system" stage that doesn't break the budget to shards.

As far as the weigh in: Yesterday was 271.4. Today was:

272.0

So, still firmly in the 270's low end. And it will go down more. I feel a sort of optimism that comes from being out of the Blue Funk. :)

I'm not ready to curtail calories too much yet. I'm watching that I don't go into the "eat too much and regain" territory. But until I'm in solid recovery ground for at least a week or two, I'm not gonna chop down to 1800 calories again. I"m at about 2500 to 2700 now, by guesstimating intake.

To those who had losses this week: Congrats. To those who maintained: Good for you. To those who regained some: Happens. Don't fret. Do the strategies.

Happy week, everyone.

Onward and DOWNward!

~

Easter Challenge Weigh-In: YOIKS!

I'm definitely still in the doldrums. Slept 17 hours (from yesterday 5pm yesterday to 10 am) today. I made a nice spinach and zucchini lasagna for supper and never got to taste it. (Will have it for lunch today, I guess.)

I do feel a slight lightening in my mind (I got two ideas for poems, and I hadn't had a flash of inspiration for many, many weeks) and a plot point got cleared up in my novel-in-progress. That my brain is working again (a bit) is a good sign. The mood may follow.

But while my brain may be "lightening", my body is not. The lack of activity (serious lack) and a persistent craving for salt (cheese, especially) has taken a toll:

272.6

Okay, not a huge upward swing--1.6 pounds--but enough to concern me as I should be much lower to meet my target for month's end (ie 269).

So, a backwards step. Oh, well.


I gotta keep the long haul perspective. And talk a little more forcefully at those cheese cravings. MmmmMmmmm. Cheese.

Enough of that. Back to that long-haul perspective thing...

When seen that way--from something of a distance--I've stuck with food consciousness and weighing in much, much longer than any time in the past. NOrmally, by the three month mark, I was out of there and regaining fast. If what I want is permanent change, then it starts with making it a lifelong effort--constant, persistent--and not sporadic cutbacks with inevitable regains. Honestly, if I end up with net losses every year, it's a win. Setbacks, notwithstanding. I'm not in a superrush. That never helped me.

I guess this is why I'm not unduly upset. Crap happens. All is forgiven. Move on. (Thanks, Our Lady of Weight Loss. That's one of my most favorite sayings now.)

On the plus side: I signed up for an organic foods delivery this week. It's pricey, but it's meant to supplant regular grocery shopping (where I choose some organic, most not). This place only sells organic fruits, veggies, herbs, meats, dairy, canned and frozen products. Even clothing and toys and cosmetics, etc. They have a very good green profile--trying to leave as small an environmental footprint as they can being a company. If I like them, I'll try to fit the higher organic cost into my diet.

This means a lot of produce is coming my way today, as well as low-fat organic cheese and organic chicken breasts and beef and some pork chops (hubby is a pork freakasoid). I want to make Cuban style "old clothes" (ie, Ropa Vieja, a popular dish) with the beef and organic peppers, onions, and tomato sauce. I hope having good stuff stocked up will help next week's weigh-in be a progressive one. :)

To all who are struggling on with the good fatfight, I salute you. Sorry that I haven't been very active. I just am going through a not-so-great phase. It will pass. It always does.

Onward and DOWNward!

Breaking the 11 Day Dry Posting Spell With a New Weight Loss Challenge

I've been battling a bout of depression--the Blue Ghoulies. I can sense when it's coming, cause my feelings flatten out, and I just want to sleep, and when I'm not sleeping, eat. I even told my hubby last week, "Oh-oh, you need to pray. I feel the black cloud coming back."

I've had periodic blues since I was 9. Eating well, resting well, controlling stress, praying, and singing usually help a lot. But when I get into a stressful time or miss sleep or whatever, I'm more vulnerable. And it will come without warning, for no reason (ie, life is going just fine and dandy). Anyway, I'm still beating it off, and trying to win this round. (Yes, I was prescribed Cymbalta, but I'm terrified of side effects, so I've stayed away from antidepressants as much as I can and just wait for it to pass. Inevitably, it does, though the bout I got when my mom was dying lasted more than a year and really, I think I was close to a heart attack or something, it was pretty bad and I was gaining weight at a scary pace, medicating with food.)

So, I'm starting the New Year on a cusp--waiting to see if it will be sunny or cloudy internally, and hoping for sun, of course. :) I haven't fully slipped over the edge to the gloom, and I think that's partly because of family gatherings and the season itself, which compels a certain amount of joy from one's soul.

But...this is a diet blog, not a Princess Blues blog, so on to the diet stuff:

I totally crapped out of the old challenge toward the end. (Granted, ended it lighter than I began, but fizzled all the same.) But I'm 15 pounds lighter than I was when I started this blog in May. So, this blog has helped me lose, as has the encouragement, inspiration, and support of you fatfighting bloggers out there. Thanks, y'all.

For me, a new challenge is always a good thing, because it makes you accountable, no matter how lightly, sporadically, or iffily. I need that accountability.

Thanks to the TALES FROM THE SCALES crew for their challenge. On to Shannon's Easter Challenge.

Here's the deal. The starting weigh-in is today.

I got on the scale after NOT doing so for a couple of days, and, voila:

274.0

I kind of like that I'm starting on a Point Zero weigh-in. I don't like that I'm up from my previous low. But, considering the holiday excesses and the empanadilla feast yesterday (one and a half large meat pastries sopping with grease and two handfuls of barbecued potato chips. Two cups of sangria. Two amaretto sours (very unlike me to have more than a glass of wine at an occasion, but dang those were tasty.) The only healthful thing I had was the Vitalicious cake slice. hah. Sad.

So, I was up almost two pounds from my low.


Time to stop with the holiday gorging on fried or gravied delights and back to veggies, fruits, and healthful meals.

This challenge takes us nearly to Easter.

December 31st – 274.0
January 7th – Week 1 WI
January 14th – Week 2 WI
January 21st – Week 3 WI
January 28th – Week 4 WI
February 4th – Week 5 WI
February 11th – Week 6 WI
February 18th – Week 7 WI
February 25th – Week 8 WI
March 3rd – Week 9 WI
March 10th – Week 10 WI
March 17th – Week 11 WI
March 23rd – EASTER--Goal of being at 250 (or less) by this day

It's an 11 (or 12 week challenge if you want to weigh-in on Easter Sunday), and calculating a 2 lb weight loss per week, then my goal is to be 24 lbs lighter by Easter (yep, let's consider it a 12 week challenge.) It would be very nice to fit into a smaller size Easter Dress. (Though we don't really call it Easter, but Resurrection Day around my house, or Dia de la Resureccion, but I'll go with EAster since it's Shannon's challenge and that's what she calls it.)

The hardest part for me, without question, will be the exercise portion. To exercise 4 x a week at 30 mins. Sigh. It's really hard to move at my size--with knees complaining, ankles creaking, back spasming. But, I will be talking positive to myself every day. Even if I have to break it up into 3 10 minutes sessions, I do believe it's doable, so I need to "Just do it!"

Let me know if you're doing this challenge, too.

And here's The Princess wishing you all...

Visited Endo & Got Prayer Winging UP

Big downpours yesterday when I met with the endocrinologist. (I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Metabolic Syndrome, ugh). My liver enzymes were off (fatty liver) and my triglycerides and LDH were high. (Thankfully the total cholesterol had gone down a bit and the HDL was in good range, and the ratio was fine. And my pressure was 110/70. I'll take the good news from wherever it comes!)

Since I can't be put on statins again (they made me suffer pain for years and started affecting my liver, so I was taken off more than a year ago. I noticed an immediate clearing of my brain when they did that. The "brain fog" lifted. Those things may control cholesterol and inflammation great, but they do a number on your ability to think clearly and they hate your liver.)

I asked some pals to pray for me to get back on a sound eating plan and get some of the poundage off. I'm one of those folks who believes in the power of intercessory prayer, so I immediately got on the prayer alert. (Plus, it does give me the warm fuzzies to know some folks care enough to do that for me, ya know?)

Tomorrow I see my G.P., and we'll discuss the ongoing monitoring.

The endo did suggest I see a shrink about my recurring bouts of depression. I've had depression issues since childhood. (The first time I remember wanting to kill myself during one was when I was NINE.) Fortunately, after a really bad time the year I was 20 (when even my pulmonary specialist--I've been severely asthmatic since infancy--suggested I get the depression checked out), I was on a good, steady course with only mild blue funks for about a decade. But in my thirties, with my immune system gone really whack (and my having to quit my job as a virtual "respiratory cripple"), the really dark pockets of "the black" starting back. They only lasted a few weeks, maybe a month, then they'd pass and I'd feel okay. (Never manic. I don't swing up, just get level.) When the breathing got better in my late thirties, the mood thing got better.

And when one is one strong medications, it's easy to think, "Maybe it was the drugs."

But now, with perimenopause, I've had at least a couple of serious dips a year, and the doc thinks it's impeding my weight loss and I need to consider anti-depressants.

She may be right. I hate to start taking another drug with more side effects (I'm on a pack of prescriptions now as is), but it's worth talking to a professional and see what we can do to keep me from dipping into a low again and sabotaging my progress.

So, yeah, prayer. Me needs it. :)

Today, though, thank God, my mood is great (despite the bad lab result news) and as soon as I have a healthy breakfast (fresh organic juice, power blueberry protein waffles with fresh blueberries and cottage cheese), it's back to work.

I hope you all who've dropped by have a fabulous day full of health and joy. And you lose a bit of weight, too.